Smegging Pregnant
by GothTrekkie
Summary: My own slashy take on what could have happened with Lister's pregnancy during the gap between series II and III. Slowly building Rimmer/Lister. Rating may change to M in later chapters.
1. No Smoking

"It's blue for not pregnant, right?" Clarified Rimmer, looking eagerly at Lister's pregnancy test.

"Yes," replied Lister, still pacing nervously.

"Good news, Listy, excellent news!" Rimmer beamed.

"Oh, thank god!" Lister sighed in relief.

"I'm going to be an uncle!"

"What? No! No!" Lister cried, running over and snatching the test from out of Cat's hand. Sure enough it was red as red could be. "It's just not possible!" he exclaimed, shaking the stick around some more. Still it remained bright glaring red. "This test must be wrong, I've got to go take another one!" he decided.

"Lister, these tests are 100% accurate. There's no way around it. You're pregnant," said Rimmer, trying to contain his laughter.

Lister sat down and buried his face in his hands. "No. I can't be. This can't be happening. I can't be a dad. Or a mom, or whatever this makes me! I was never supposed to have to worry about this!"

"Well, I'd like to think you've learned a valuable lesson from this fiasco," said Rimmer. "Always use a condom!"

"I was drunk! I don't even remember doing it!" Lister argued.

"Well there's another lesson, don't get drunk!"

Lister groaned and hid his face again until he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Hey, bud, it's gonna be okay," Cat tried to assure him.

"You really think so?"

"Sure it is! I mean, you're gonna get all big and fat and tired from staying up all night but I'm not gonna let that get in the way of my happiness!" said Cat.

Lister sighed defeatedly. "Good to know. I think I'm gonna go to bed now, guys." Standing up from his chair he sulked down the hall and towards his room.

"Ah yes, get as much sleep as you can now, Listy! You won't be getting any in nine months!" Rimmer called after him. So Lister was pregnant. Things were going to get interesting…

* * *

Lister flopped down on his bunk and put his hands on his abdomen. "I can't be smeggin' pregnant!" he kept telling himself.

"You are, Dave," said Holly, his face appearing on the screen. "When I do a scan, you now register as a pregnant life form."

"Smegging hell," he groaned and hopped down from his bunk, looking for something to do to take his mind off of the situation at hand. "Get me a chicken vindaloo and a beer milkshake," he told the food dispenser. His meal was quickly delivered to him and he clambered back into his bunk to drown his misery in curry and alcohol.

"What the smeg are you doing!" demanded Rimmer shrilly as he entered their sleeping quarters.

"What? Am I not allowed to eat in bed now?"

"Is that a beer milkshake you're drinking?" asked Rimmer.

"Yeah. What's it to ya?"

"Put that down! You can't drink alcohol! You're pregnant!" Rimmer reminded him.

"You can't drink when you're pregnant?" asked Lister.

"Of course not, you gimboid! Everyone knows that!"

"Well no one ever told me! I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant! Can I at least still smoke?"

"Certainly not! Unless you want your child born with six arms and the brain capacity of a day old tuna fish sandwich."

Lister sighed. "No. I don't want that. But I don't want a child either. Not like this."

"Well, we could always get the scutters to try and cut it out," speculated Rimmer.

"No, I'm not having an abortion. Especially not at the hands of the scutters…" Dave shivered at the thought.

"Well then, Listy, it looks like you're going to have to clean up your act," said Rimmer. "Don't worry, with me as your personal trainer and motivator you'll be in tip top shape and ready to give birth to a healthy child in no time… well as healthy as a child can be when it's parents are you and female you…"

Lister sighed and laid down on his bunk, trying to think of something to drink other than beer.

Meanwhile, Holly was listening in on their conversation sadly. He was still thinking about Hilly, the beautiful female version of himself from the alternate universe whom he had fallen madly in love with. Unlike the female Lister, Holly knew that Hilly truly cared about him and would never abandon him confused and pregnant. But he also knew that they could never be together. "If only I could see her face again…" he said sadly to himself. But then, he suddenly got a bright idea. The computer on Red Dwarf had thousands of faces for him to choose from, so, assuming the databases from the two universes were the same, he should have her face on file too!

Quickly he scanned through all of the faces programmed into the computer database until finally… "Bingo! I've found her!" he exclaimed to no one. He stared at face floating in front of him, lifeless, expressionless, but it was her alright.

"Oh, Hilly. If only it were really you. If only you could speak to me! If only I could see your face all the time! I miss you so much, I can't stand to be apart from you!" he cried. It seemed all was lost for poor Holly when suddenly, another bright idea came to him in the form of the flashing 'select face' button underneath the likeness of Hilly.

"I could change my face… just like I did to become Queeg. If I had your face I could see you every day… it'd be like you were always with me… I know it's a bit crazy but, Gordon Bennett, I don't care anymore!" So without further ado, Holly hit the select button.

* * *

It was 7 o' clock the next morning when Holly decided to sound the alarm and wake up the crew. "7 o'clock! It's time to get up, everybody!" she announced, enjoying hearing the lovely sound of her new voice.

Lister groaned and buried his face in the pillow, not wanting to face the reality of day just yet. Rimmer sprung from the bottom bunk and was about to start doing jumping jacks when it occurred to him that something was very different. "Hey! Who are you and what have you done with Holly?" he demanded.

"I am Holly!" she retorted.

"No you're not. You're some drivelling, blonde, computer virus who's trying to kill us all!"

Lister's curiosity was piqued. He lifted his face from the pillow and opened one eye, only to be met with the scene of Rimmer in his pajamas glaring at the floating head of a blonde woman on the computer screen. "Hey, isn't that the female version of Holly from the parallel universe?" Lister recalled groggily.

Rimmer scrutinized her for a second. "Ah, yes, I think it is. Alright, Hilly, where's Holly?"

"Gordon Bennett, I told you! I am Holly!" she insisted.

"I think you've got the wrong dimension. Our Holly's a man," yawned Lister. Perhaps though, it was he who was in the wrong dimension… Maybe Deb had brought him back so they could raise the baby together! Maybe he hadn't been used and discarded after all! His hopes were quickly crushed by Holly's next words.

"Well, you might say I gave myself a sex change operation last night," she replied.

"So now we're hurtling through space at near light speed being piloted by a computer-senile transsexual. That's just splendid," sighed Rimmer. "You could have at least told us you were going to do it so it wouldn't have startled us so much! Lister is pregnant; we should take every care not to scare him."

"Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean you have to treat me like I'm made of glass. I'm more than capable of taking care of me self," Lister complained, getting out of bed. "And I don't mind you being a woman and all now, Hol, but can I ask one thing? Why'd you do it?"

"Well, I guess I just missed Hilly so much that I wanted to be just like her. I know it's insane, but hey, you can't blame a 3 million year old computer for losing a few of her marbles," she shrugged.

"So you're still in love with Hilly," said Lister as he pulled on his pants. "Does that make you like a lesbian now?"

Holly shrugged. "Technically computers aren't supposed to have a sexuality but I guess you could say my bread's always been buttered on both sides."

Rimmer found this conversation was starting to make him blush uncomfortably and it certainly wasn't because he had any issues with his own sexuality. Nope, Arnold J. Rimmer was a complete and utter ladies' man. Straight as an arrow. Bread strictly butter side up. His parents had always condemned anything other than heterosexuality and he certainly wasn't going to be a failure to them in that department too. "Would you two ladies stop your drivelling?" he asked. "Lister, we need to exercise if you're going to deliver a healthy baby!"

Dave groaned. "Come on, man, can't we at least eat breakfast first? I'm starving!"

"You have to work for your food. First some calisthenics and stretching and then a good brisk jog to breakfast!" said Rimmer, bending over to touch his holographic toes. "Come on, Listy! There's nothing like exercise to get you energized in the morning!"

Lister sighed and reluctantly complied. "I can think of one thing. Coffee."

* * *

After a brisk jog which left Lister panting, they finally sat down at the breakfast table, joining Cat who was already on his fifth plate of fish. "What took you monkeys so long?" he asked.

Lister wiped the sweat from his brow. "Rimmer's trying to get me in shape so I can have the baby," he sighed.

"You mean you have to exercise now? Wow, that's tough, I'm sure glad I'm not pregnant!"

"Get me some tobacso corn flakes and a cup of vindaloo sauce," Lister instructed the food dispenser, grimacing at the thought of having vindaloo without beer. Besides, with Rimmer being so annoying, he needed alcohol more than ever!

"Lister, you're going to have to eat something more than just curry. You need to have a nutritious diet with fresh fruits and vegetables," Rimmer continued to nag.

"I'll eat 'em, I'll eat 'em. Just let me have me breakfast in peace, please!"

"Oh alright," resigned Rimmer. "But don't come crying to me when your baby is severely malnourished and its DNA is fifty percent vindaloo."

"You boys have a good jog then?" asked Holly, coming up on screen.

"Ah!" screamed Cat. "Who's that!"

"It's Holly," said Dave. "He… she's had a sex change operation."

"You mean you monkeys can change yourself into women!" he exclaimed.

"Well, yes, but it's not really that simple for humans. It is for computers I guess," Lister explained.

Cat looked Lister up and down for a moment, trying to picture him as a woman. "Hey, you wouldn't by any chance be considering getting one of those sex change operations yourself, would you? I mean you're already pregnant, why not just go all the way and then you and me could—"

"No!" Lister stopped the Cat before he could go any further down that very weird path. "I'm not getting a smegging sex change operation! And even if I did, what makes you think I'd go for someone like you?"

"Bud, everyone would go for someone as sexy as me," Cat smirked.

Rimmer shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Lister was pregnant, Holly was a transsexual, and Cat wanted Lister to become a woman so he could have sex with him. Wasn't anyone normal around here anymore?

* * *

Lister laid on his bed, trying to hide from Rimmer in plain sight lest he make him do more exercises from the "Yoga for Pregnant Women" book he had found in the ship's database. He was so stressed what with the pregnancy and Rimmer being Rimmer. If only there was something he could do… Suddenly, the glimmer of his silver box of cigarettes caught his eye. Maybe it wouldn't hurt the baby too much to have just one more before he quit…

"Arnold," said Holly. "I'm detecting smoke in your sleeping quarters."

Rimmer turned around and narrowed his eyes. "That despicable space bum! Lister!" he called out, running down the corridor. Before Lister could hear him coming, Rimmer stormed into their sleeping quarters. Startled, Lister quickly hid the cigarette under his covers, which, in hindsight, was not his brightest idea.

"Lister, are you smoking?" demanded Rimmer.

"What? Um no, what makes you think that?"

"Holly detected smoke coming from in here."

"Oh that! I was just um, lighting some of my candles! Thought it would, you know, help me get… zen..."

"Oh really?" asked Rimmer, raising an eyebrow. "Then where are the candles?"

"Um well…"

"And why are your bed sheets on fire?"

Lister quickly looked down and saw his sheet was smoking and starting to catch fire. He screamed and pulled the hand holding the cigarette out from under his sheets and waved it around frantically.

Rimmer just glared at him. "That's what I thought. Lister, you know you're not supposed to smoke when you're pregnant!" He pointed at the 'No Smoking' sign on the wall of their quarters. "You see that sign. Well that applies to you now and I want you to stick to it!"

"It's just so hard!" complained Lister. "I can't help me self!"

"Then I guess I'll have to do what I should have done a long time ago," said Rimmer.

"And that would be?" wondered Lister.

"Oh you'll see. Just stay here for a bit, Listy, take one of those mid-afternoon naps you hippie peaceniks are so fond of. Everything will be taken care of when you wake up…"

As much as Lister was hesitant to let Rimmer carry out whatever plan he had in mind, he actually was kind of tired. He didn't know if it was all of the exercise or if the pregnancy was starting to take a toll on him already. But it was far too soon for that… right?

"Cat, I need your help," said Rimmer, making his way back into the drive room.

"Well for starters, you should never wear those pants with those boots," said Cat.

"Not with fashion, you git! With Lister! I need you to help me get the ship's supply of cigarettes out the airlock."

"What's in it for me?" Cat asked.

Rimmer thought for a moment. "…If you do, I'll let you keep some of the boxes as shiny things."

Cat considered if for a moment. "Any they'll be my shiny things?"

"Yes, yes, you can do whatever you want with them," said Rimmer dismissively. "Now would you please just help me before he wakes up?"

Cat sighed and got up. "Alright, goal-post head. What do I have to do?"

* * *

When Lister woke up he was curious to see what Rimmer had done with his cigarettes. He frowned when the first thing he saw as he opened his eyes was a rather large 'No Smoking' sign on the ceiling above his bed. Rimmer had probably just hidden all of the cigarettes again. He wouldn't have gotten rid of them… would he?

Starting to panic just a little bit, Lister got out of bed and went straight for the pack he had left on the table. It was gone. "Smegging hell," he groaned, and went out to find Rimmer and his only possible accomplice, the Cat.

"Okay, Rimmer, where'd you put me cigarettes?" asked Lister, trying not to show his annoyance.

"Oh, don't worry, Listy. They're quite safe," Rimmer assured him with an all-too-smug smile.

"Then where are they?"

"Oh, by now I'd guess they're probably orbiting that last planetoid we passed," smirked Rimmer, very pleased with himself as Lister ran to the window and looked desperately towards the planetoid.

"Smegging hell, Rimmer. Those were probably the last cigarettes in the universe!" said Lister, slumping down into a chair.

"Exactly. Now you should have no problem quitting."

"I could have done it on me own. You didn't have to do that…" said Lister glumly. Then something occurred to him. "Hey, if all the cigarettes are gone than you don't need to have those tacky 'No Smoking' signs hanging in our room anymore."

"Why not!"

"Because it's impossible to smoke. They're pointless," said Lister.

"No they're not! They're the last remnant of a society with any semblance of order, structure, and regulations. They're a part of history and they must be preserved," Rimmer grinned, thinking he had come up with a very smart-sounding response indeed.

"No they're not. They're just smegging annoying," Lister dismissed him.

The hologram's expression dropped. "Well they're my signs and I like them!"

Lister just shook his head. "You're starting to sound like Cat. Speaking of Cat, where is he? I know he had to help you." At that moment the Cat ran through the drive room with a shiny silver cigarette box in his clutches. Lister raised his eyebrows. "Cat, is that—"

"You can't have my shiny thing! It's mine!" Cat proclaimed loudly before running back out. Lister and Rimmer both silently wondered how Cat could run in boots with such high heels.

**I love reviews like Lister loves vindaloo! :D**


	2. Stranger Things Have Happened

**Here you go! It's a pretty short chapter but I hope you guys enjoy it :)**

Lister actually did feel a bit better since he had quit smoking and drinking last week, but he would never admit that to Rimmer. He continued to complain about the rigorous exercise routines and the fact that Rimmer was forcing him to read "What To Expect When You're Expecting: Just For Men Edition".

On what seemed just like any other night, they were in their quarters sitting on their respective bunks with Cat on Lister's bunk, watching _Casablanca _for what Rimmer thought must have been the hundred-and-fifty-second time. Lister was eating curry in bed and spilled some on his pillow, leaving yet another reddish stain. He frowned for moment, shrugged, wiped the curry up with his finger and ate it. Cat made a face of disgust.

A few minutes after Lister had scraped the last bite out of the bottom of the bowl, his stomach began to churn. A few seconds after that, he hastily jumped down from the top bunk and ran into the bathroom where the Cat and Rimmer could distinctly hear him lose his lunch.

Rimmer would have gagged but he didn't want Cat to see just how squeamish he was. "Lister? Are you alright?" he called after a few seconds of silence.

Lister emerged from the bathroom looking like death. "Yeah, must have been bad vindaloo…" he said.

"Or morning sickness," pointed out Rimmer.

Lister winced at the notion. "Nah, it's too early for that. I've only been pregnant for a week!"

"Stranger things have happened, Listy. You do seem to be putting on weight quicker than normal," said Rimmer, looking Lister up and down. "Holly, do a scan on Lister. How many weeks pregnant does he register?"

"Looks like about 3," said Holly.

"3 weeks!" exclaimed Lister. "But that's impossible!"

Rimmer started thinking of all the possible explanations. "Let's see… is it possible that the female you isn't the father? Where were we three weeks ago?"

"Rimmer! Deb is the only person I've slept with since I went into stasis!" exclaimed Dave.

"There could be a time inconsistency between the parallel universes," said Holly. "Maybe because they were conceived in a parallel universe, their growth is accelerated."

"I guess that could explain it—wait! What do you mean 'they'?" exclaimed Lister.

"It's twins. I thought you already knew," said Holly.

"Twins!" Lister, Rimmer, and the Cat all shouted at once, each with a unique shocked expression on his face.

"Oh smegging hell," mumbled Lister before running to the bathroom again.

Rimmer stood at the doorway and tried not to watch. "Twins. Wow. You're really in for it now," he said. Lister didn't reply. "You really must stop eating all of that horribly spicy food; I don't think Ace and Arnie like it."

"Ace and Arnie?" asked Lister, raising an eyebrow and slumping down to the bathroom floor.

"Yes, your twins. They're such respectable, distinguished names. Just picture it… Arnold Lister." As soon as the name left Rimmer's lips his cheeks flushed pink. He really hadn't thought about how that would sound.

Lister just looked at Rimmer like he was crazy and shook his head dismissively. "They've already got names. Jim and Bexley. These are the twins that we saw in the future echo." He put his hand on his abdomen and for the first time he could actually comprehend that there was life growing inside of him. He had already seen the faces of his children and they were beautiful.

"Is your stomach quite empty?" asked Rimmer.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Cat, get Lister a glass of water," ordered Rimmer. He hated feeling so helpless; he couldn't even bring his pregnant bunkmate a glass of water.

"No way. If he's coughing up hairballs I'm not going anywhere near him. This is an expensive suit!" said Cat, quickly backing out of the room.

Rimmer sighed in annoyance and looked towards one of the skutters. "You there! Go get a glass of water, now!" The skutter nodded and went off to the food dispenser. "Stupid machine is more compliant than the Cat," he grumbled to himself. "Are you sure you're alright, Lister?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine," he said, taking the glass of water from the skutter as it came back over to them.

"We should probably get you back to bed," decided Rimmer. He wished he could help Lister get up off of the floor but he just couldn't. It was hell being a hologram. But then he wondered why he was being so caring towards Lister in the first place. Lister wasn't even supposed to be his friend, just a person he'd ended up stranded on an abandoned space ship with. So if he didn't care about the man then why did he feel so compelled to help him and take care of him?

Lister picked himself up off the floor and made his way over to his bunk with Rimmer following close behind. "Rimmer?" he asked. "Why're you being so nice to me all of the sudden?"

Rimmer thought about it only for a second. "One word, Listy: Chivalry."

Lister glared at him good-humouredly. "Smeg off!"

**Space Corps Directive 962 states that you should review this story! :D**


	3. Torn Vinyl Tux

After a long day of giving the skutters orders and yelling at them when they didn't do it right, Rimmer was ready to find his shipmates and relax for a bit before going to bed, getting up, and starting all over again. When he saw that Lister and the Cat were not in their sleeping quarters, Rimmer frowned. "Where did those gits get to now?" he wondered out loud. "Ah yes, they're probably in the theatre."

He quickly made his way down the corridor and slipped into the darkened movie theatre. Standing in the back, he could see the silhouettes of Cat and Lister eating popcorn and watching some old Western. He quietly slipped into the empty seat next to Lister.

"Hey, Rimmer. Where've you been?" Lister asked casually.

"Where you should have been! Working!"

"Hey, I'm pregnant. I get maternity leave y'know," Lister protested. At least there was one advantage to being knocked up.

"Well I'm dead and I don't let that stop me from doing my duties! What are you watching anyways?" Rimmer wondered, folding his arms and leaning back in the seat.

"Brokeback Mountain," Lister replied casually.

Rimmer's holographic heart skipped a beat and he felt himself grow warm and uncomfortable. He tried to look composed; he couldn't dare let Lister see how awkward he felt. He didn't even know what it was about gay people that made him so uneasy. Whenever he saw two people of the same sex together, all he could do was remember his parents' voices in his head, telling him how homosexuality was unnatural and disgusting and that he had better not turn out gay.

Clearing his throat he composed himself and pretended to just be annoyed with Lister. "Well isn't this just lovely. While some people, like myself for example, have been working hard all day trying to make this ship better for everyone, the rest of us have been watching films about homosexual cowboys."

"Hey! Alphabet-Head! Be quiet! We're trying to watch a movie!" Cat yelled at him.

Rimmer sighed and tried to forget his discomfort and just watch the rest of the movie. But as Jack and Ennis leaned in and began to kiss each other passionately, a strange shiver and an indescribable sensation of fear went through him and he just had to turn away. "How can any self-respecting straight man watch this?" he asked Lister and Cat, still averting his eyes.

"Hey! We're supposed to be enlightened 23rd century guys here, Rimmer. This is a great movie! It's a classic, timeless, tragic tale of forbidden love!" argued Lister.

"You want a classic, timeless, tragic tale of forbidden love? What about Romeo and Juliet, Titanic, or Twilight?"

"Smeg off, Rimmer. You don't have to watch it if you don't want to," said Lister, annoyed.

Just as Rimmer was about to leave, the movie stopped and Holly appeared on the screen. "Hey, dudes, sorry to interrupt but I'm getting a signal," she said.

"Aliens!" exclaimed Rimmer.

Lister ignored him. "What kind of signal?"

"It's from your space bike," Holly told him.

"My space bike? Kryten took that! Where is it?" he exclaimed.

"It's coming from an asteroid just a few miles from the ship."

"Well let's go check it out. He might need help!" said Lister.

"Help that disobedient, disrespectful, metal bastard!" growled Rimmer. "No way. You know, I never could get those curry stains out of my bed sheets. I had to throw them away."

"Oh your poor sheets. Let me play you a sad song on the world's smallest violin," mocked Lister.

"No need. I've heard you play the guitar; every song you play is sad," snarked Rimmer.

Lister just shook his head and walked out of the theatre, Cat and Rimmer close behind. "Let's take Starbug and go check it out."

"Starbug? Why can't we just take Blue Midget? We've never driven Starbug before!" protested Rimmer.

"I know, but it's bigger and cooler looking. Why not use it?" shrugged Lister.

"For one we don't know how to pilot it!" pointed out Rimmer.

"It can't be that different from any other controls; we'll be fine."

"Don't worry," smirked Cat. "I happen to have a natural talent for navigation. It's all in the nose."

"Oh, well that certainly makes me feel safe," said Rimmer sarcastically.

"Come on," said Lister. "It'll be fine!"

As they made their way onto Starbug for the first time, they took their time to marvel at the fancy new transport ship. "Ooh, nice controls," purred Cat, taking his seat at the navigation station. "These seats are nicer too! The fabric even matches my suit!"

"It looks like a screaming metal death trap," said Rimmer.

"It looks just like Blue Midget!" protested Lister.

"Exactly!" Begrudgingly, Rimmer sat down at the screen. The only place he could be of any use. He hated knowing that his holographic life was in the hands of git and gittier, but he had no choice other than to trust them.

Lister took his place in the pilot's seat and punched up Holly. "Holly? Can you hear us?" he asked.

Her face appeared on the screen. "I can hear you, Dave. I'm sending you the coordinates of your bike now."

"Got 'em," he said. "Thanks, Hol. You ready, Cat?"

"You bet, bud!" he said, gripping the controls eagerly.

"3, 2, 1… blast off!" said Lister, starting up the engines, opening the airlock, and heading off towards the black rift of space.

Rimmer had his eyes shut tight and would have had a death grip on his seat if he could have actually touched it. He was thankful that he didn't actually get to see Lister and Cat scrape Starbug into the side of the airlock as they went out, creating many scratches and sparks. When he felt the ship even out, he opened his eyes and glared at them. "Natural talent for navigation my arse," he grumbled.

"Hey! That was all monkey's fault!" argued Cat.

"It doesn't matter whose fault it was," said Lister. "Let's just find me bike and get back to the Dwarf." Punching in the coordinates, he quickly steered them in the direction of the large asteroid that the signal was coming from.

"Steady! Steady!" Rimmer warned as they came in for a hard landing on the asteroid. Everyone braced themselves for impact as Starbug bumped and skidded to a stop. "You need to be more careful, Lister! You can't afford to go crash landing on every asteroid you please anymore, you're pregnant!"

"I know I'm smegging pregnant, Rimmer! How would you like to try driving the ship for a day!" cried Lister exasperatedly.

That shut the hologram up. Awkwardly, the three walked out of the cockpit and went to go get spacesuits for Cat and Lister.

* * *

"It should be right over here somewhere…" said Lister, looking around the desolate asteroid. Then suddenly he spotted a heap of wreckage. He sprinted for it as quickly as the bulky spacesuit and the low gravity would allow. "Oh smeg! Kryten!" he cried, finding the mechanoid unconscious and badly damaged in a pile of debris from the space bike which was wrecked far beyond repair.

He quickly bent down and started pulling pieces of metal off of the mechanoid. "Kryten? Are you still there? Can you hear me?" he asked.

"It's no use. He's broken. He's beyond repair," said Rimmer. "Serves him right too. This is what you get for being an ungrateful rebellious git. He wasn't even wearing a helmet! What was he thinking? I wear a helmet even when I ride the exercise bike!"

"You only wear a helmet when you ride the exercise bike because you're a smeghead. No normal people do that. Besides, a helmet wouldn't have helped him. Poor guy. I'm gonna try to fix him," Lister resolved.

"Fix him? Look at him! You'd have better luck trying to fix the teeth of a medieval British man!" exclaimed Rimmer.

"Well we can't just leave him here! We got him into this mess in the first place. We owe it to him to at least try and help him."

"He's right, Kryten was a pretty cool cat, and he helped me with my ironing!" said Cat. "You have no idea how long I spend every day getting wrinkles out of my suits! It's almost as much time as I spend looking in the mirror!"

"Come on, Cat. Help me get him out of here and back onto Red Dwarf," said Lister, carefully trying to get the mechanoid out from under all the crashed parts of his space bike without causing further damage. Cat leaned down to help pick up the heavy, limp, metal body and carry it back to Starbug.

Once back on Red Dwarf, Lister and Cat carried Kryten into the main repair and maintenance suite and set him on the table along with all of his spare and loose parts. Rimmer stood in the doorway, shaking his holographic head. "You really think you can repair that pile of scrap metal?"

"Well I am a technician. I can at least try," he said, starting to evaluate all of Kryten's damage.

"Sure, your nametag says technician but you specialize in fixing chicken soup nozzles and restocking the vending machines, not repairing highly advanced, artificially intelligent mechanoids!" pointed out Rimmer. "I bet you you'll just destroy him even more!"

"Oh yeah? What's your wager?" Lister asked.

Rimmer considered for a second. "If you destroy him, you have to wash all of your dirty socks!"

"And if I fix him?"

"I don't know; choose anything you want. I know you won't win."

"Hmmm, if I win then you have to rub me feet!"

"Rub your putrid, fungus covered, diseased feet!" Rimmer exclaimed, his nose crinkling in disgust.

"Yeah, they've been starting to hurt ever since I've been putting on baby weight."

"How? I'm a hologram!" pointed out Rimmer. "I'm made entirely out of light!"

"Not in total immersion video games you're not," smirked Lister. "We can go inside a game and you can rub me putrid, fungus covered, diseased feet."

Rimmer shuddered at the thought. But there was no way he could lose the bet! Lister was such a gimboid, he'd give up on rebuilding Kryten by the end of the day and then he would finally be rid of all of those dirty socks! "Deal," said Rimmer. "You've got yourself a bet."

"Better get the massage oil ready," teased Lister. "Because you're going down!"

Rimmer glared at Lister and quickly walked out, trying to hide the slight blush rising on his holographic cheeks.

"Cat, hand me a spanner, would you?" asked Lister. "We'll show him!"

"We?" asked Cat. "No way! I can't get oil and grease all over this suit! You're on your own! Good luck, buddy. I'll see you at dinner!"

Lister sighed as he found himself alone with his tools and the smashed body of a mechanoid. "Just you and me now, Kryters," he mumbled, gingerly stripping off the robot's torn vinyl tux and grimacing at the mess of loose wires underneath.

**Wow, they're called comments now, not reviews! You should write me a comment! You know you want to!**


	4. Congratulations, Sirs!

It was the middle of the night when Rimmer was awakened by a loud crashing of metal coming from not too far from his room. "Lister?" he called out groggily. "Did you hear that?" There was no reply. "Lister?" he asked again. Still no reply. Frowning, he opened his eyes, left the comfort of his bed, and looked into the bunk above his. It was empty save for a pile of old magazines and some toe nail clippings.

As he heard yet another crashing sound, Rimmer shook his head and walked down to the repair and maintenance suite where he inevitably found the source of the noise. Lister, eyes bloodshot, slumped over from exhaustion, was still working tirelessly on Kryten.

"Oh, sorry, man. Didn't mean to wake you," he said lethargically.

"What are you doing still working! It's three in the morning for smeg's sake!" exclaimed Rimmer.

"Gotta fix Kryten. So close…" he said, tightening a bolt.

"You've been trying to fix that pile of scrap metal for a week! You're running yourself ragged! I mean look at you, Lister, you're exhausted!" Rimmer admonished. "You can't keep doing this to yourself, not in your condition! You're pregnant, you need your sleep!"

Lister sighed. Rimmer was right. He was exhausted and needed to go to bed; there was no arguing with that. "Alright, alright. I'll fix Kryten in the morning. Let's just go to bed." Wiping the grease from his hands onto his pants, Lister got up and walked with Rimmer back to their quarters.

Once they were back, Rimmer sat down on his bunk and Lister went to find some cleaner clothes to sleep in. "I'm so close to fixing Kryten," he said. "I had to rebuild his whole head. I was able to save most of his chips but I'm not sure if I put them together quite right."

"So what you're saying is that for all you know, you could be programming him to be a psychopathic killing machine? Well that's just what I like to hear at three in the morning."

"He'll be fine, Rimmer. I'm sure I can't mess him up that much," said Lister.

"Oh, I wouldn't put it past you."

Normally when Lister changed his clothes, Rimmer made sure to leave the room or at least look away, but at three in the morning, he found he no longer cared. It wasn't as if Lister had any sense of modesty. As Lister pulled off his shirt, Rimmer's eyebrows quirked upward in surprise. "Lister, are you showing?"

"What?" Lister looked down at his stomach and sure enough there was a noticeable baby bump. "Smeg! That's impossible! I'm only three weeks pregnant! Even with the accelerated growth I shouldn't be _that_ pregnant!"

"Holly, how pregnant is Lister?" Rimmer asked.

Holly came on screen and scanned him. "Hmm… I'd say just about four months."

"Four months!" Lister exclaimed. "How?"

"Looks like the babies are growing exponentially," said Holly. "And because it's twins you're gonna get even bigger even faster."

"Oh smeg!" he sat down in his chair and closed his eyes. "This is all happening way too fast. I thought I had nine smegging months! This'll all be over in a matter of weeks!"

"Well, you can't do anything about it now so you might as well just get to bed," said Rimmer with a yawn.

"We're gonna have to baby-proof the ship!" Lister realized. "What if they get into the lifts or open up an airlock or get stuck in the garbage compactor! What if they get into my secret stash of extra hot curry, they're just babies, they won't be able to handle that!" He was now anxiously pacing around the room, hands protectively clutching his abdomen.

"Lister, please. We'll take care of everything in the morning. Now just go to sleep!" said Rimmer agitatedly.

The other man took a deep breath to calm himself. "Alright. Yeah, everything's gonna be fine," he told himself, clambering up into his bunk. "Thanks, Rimmer… I don't know if I could do this without you, man," he admitted softly as he laid his head down on his pillow.

The hologram couldn't think of anything to say for a second, he was just grateful that Lister wasn't able to see him blush. Lister had never thanked him like that before. It made him feel… he didn't know how it made him feel. But for some odd reason it made him blush. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "You're welcome, Listy… goodnight."

"Goodnight."

* * *

The next day, Lister was staring intently at all of the wires and circuits inside of Kryten's head, double checking for the last time that there was no lose connections or anything that would turn the service mechanoid into, as Rimmer had so eloquently said, a psychopathic killing machine. "Looks good to me," he said, content with his work.

He had rebuilt the mechanoid beautifully if he did say so himself. Underneath that tuxedo had been a metal exterior which Lister had taken the dents and scratches out of and shined up a bit. He had remade Kryten's head, and rewired all of the lose circuitry. It had been a long process and probably the most dedicated work he had done in his life, but he felt a sense of obligation to Kryten so he had worked day and night to get him in working order again. And then there was that bet with Rimmer. No way he would have let Rimmer win that one.

"Cat! Rimmer! Come here, I've got something to show you!" Lister called out into the hall.

"This better be good. I got up from my second mid-afternoon nap for this!" complained Cat, walking down the hall.

"Did you manage to blow yourself up yet?" Rimmer asked as they walked in.

"Nope," Lister smiled. "I think I fixed Kryten."

"Have you turned him on yet?" asked Rimmer.

"Not yet, I wanted you guys here so in case I did make him into a psychopathic killer, I wouldn't have to die on me own."

"Oh ha-ha," said Rimmer dryly. "Just turn him on. I guarantee his head will blow up the second you do and then I'll win the bet."

"Or he could work just fine and then you'll have to rub me feet," Lister grinned, walking over to hit the power button in Kryten's head. "Are you sure you're ready to find out?"

"Yes, you git! Get on with it!" cried Rimmer.

"Alright then." Lister hit the button and Kryten began to boot up.

"See, he doesn't work," said Rimmer.

"Sure he does. It just takes him a second to start up, that's all!" said Lister.

Once all of Kryten's systems had started up and his files had all loaded, he was suddenly thrust back into consciousness. Dazed, he blinked and looked around. "What? Where–where am I?" he asked.

Rimmer's expression dropped and a triumphant smile spread across Lister's face. "Hi, Kryters. You remember us?"

"Mr. Lister, Sir!" he exclaimed in sudden recognition. "And Mr. Rimmer and Mr. Cat!"

"There you go! Welcome back, Kryten! See, Rimmer, I told you he'd be fine!"

Rimmer put his hand on his chin thoughtfully and gave Kryten a scrutinizing look. "But you've got the voice all wrong. He sounds like some peacenik Canadian Mountie out to prevent crimes by asking the criminals to 'please stop' robbing innocent old ladies of their purses filled with small change and maple syrup hard candies."

"So? I may have programmed his voice a bit differently. Who cares?"

"I do! I liked his old English butler voice. It was so… subservient," said Rimmer.

"Oh, I assure you, sir, I'm just as subservient as ever! Maybe even more so! All of my settings went back to default when Mr. Lister so kindly rebuilt me! Oh, Mr. Lister, sir! How can I ever repay you? Do you want me to polish your shoes? Wash your bed clothes? Where is your cleaning supply closet?" asked Kryten, starting to get up.

"Whoa, hold on there, Kryten. We only just got you back. You don't have go to work right now!" said Lister.

"Well if you're not going to use him than I am!" said Rimmer. "Kryten, I want you to go clean Lister's socks. One of them landed on my bed last night and he's refusing to pick it up!"

"Right away, Mr. Rimmer, sir!" said Kryten, attempting to get up again, only to be stopped by Lister's hand against his metal chest.

"No, Kryten. You don't have to do what he tells you, remember? Last time you were here you flipped him off and threw a bowl of curry on his bed!"

"Yeah! You were awesome!" said Cat.

"But my programming was all set back to default!" said Kryten. "I am made to serve!"

"You heard him, Lister. He wants to serve me!" smirked Rimmer.

"Well I'm telling him he has to sit here, take it easy, and tell us what happened," Lister glared at the smug hologram. He then turned back to Kryten. "How do you feel? How much do you remember from the accident?"

Kryten sat back and dug deep into his memory bank. "Well… I was riding your space bike, trying to find a planet with a suitable atmosphere for growing a garden when suddenly the bike just stopped, as if it was out of gas even though the gas meter said it was completely full!"

Lister winced. "Oh, yeah… you see, the gas meter's broken. When the tank is full it says empty and when it's empty it says full. I probably should have told you that before you left…"

"Wow. Way to go, Lister. It's all your fault, why am I not surprised?" scoffed Rimmer.

"Oh, I'm sure it wasn't all Mr. Lister's fault! I should have asked if the gas meter was in working order before I left!" said Kryten. "After the bike ran out of gas, I floated in space for days until an asteroid came hurtling towards me. I tried to get away but it was no use. I remember the asteroid coming closer and closer and then… my memory chip stopped recording there. But I have to infer that I crashed, was horribly disfigured, and miraculously rescued by you guys! This is the second time you've saved me! I just can't believe how lucky I am!"

Lister patted Kryten on the back and smiled at him. "Hey, man, that's what friends are for."

"We're friends now?" asked Kryten happily.

"Of course, man!" said Lister.

"And friends help each other out with their laundry and cleaning and cooking and all of that other domestic type stuff," said Rimmer.

"Of course, Mr. Rimmer, sir!" nodded Kryten.

"Hey, bud," said Cat, "I'll be your friend too if you help me iron my suits!"

"Certainly, Mr. Cat, sir! Nothing would delight me more!" replied Kryten cheerily.

Lister sighed and shook his head. "I can't believe it. All of that work. I made him a rebel! And now he's back to 'Yes, Mr. Lister, sir'."

"And what's wrong with that? If he wants to clean and take care of us than let him! Besides, we're going to need him in the upcoming weeks. Pretty soon you won't be able to work anymore, I mean look at you! You're bigger than you were just last night!" exclaimed Rimmer.

Lister looked down and put his hands on his stomach. Rimmer was right; he did feel a bit bigger!

"And I don't know about you but I'd much rather have him do a Caesarean section than the skutters," pointed out Rimmer.

"Caesarean section?" asked Kryten. Lister did appear to have put on some weight since Kryten last saw him, but he had assumed it was curry weight, not baby weight. "Mr. Lister, are you pregnant?"

Lister blushed slightly. It was somewhat of an embarrassing topic, being pregnant when you were a man. "Uh yeah. I am. Twins."

The mechanoid smiled brightly at Lister and Rimmer. "Congratulations, sirs! I didn't know two human males could get pregnant!" He had always thought there was some sexual tension between the two and he was glad that they had finally worked it out and gotten together!

Rimmer and Lister both blushed as soon as they realized what Kryten was implying. "What? No! I am _not_ the father!" Rimmer clarified, taking a step away from Lister. Why had he been standing so close to the other man anyways? No wonder Kryten thought they were gay.

Cat burst out laughing. "You thought _they_ were together! They wouldn't make it through the first date without killing each other! I'll give you this though; they sure do fight like a married couple!"

"Oh! I'm terribly sorry, sirs!" said Kryten, his embarrassment chip kicking in.

Lister waved it off. "It's okay, Kryters. You couldn't have known."

Was Cat right? he wondered in the back of his mind. Would he and Rimmer really not be able to make it through a first date? He pictured himself sitting down to a candle-lit dinner with the hologram. He would order curry and of course Rimmer would have a problem with that… wait. Why was he even thinking about this? In what universe would he ever even consider going on a date with Rimmer? Arnold Rimmer, the man who once sent back his gazpacho soup for being cold. The man who cut out news headlines about other Arnolds and other Rimmers to make people think they were about him. The man who wrote 'I am a fish' on his astronavigation exam! No, he decided, he and Rimmer would never make it as a couple… not that he would want to date the smeghead anyways!

"If you'll excuse me, sirs, I think I'm going to go start on that laundry now," said Kryten, pushing past them and going to find his old friend the iron.

"I'd better go make sure he knows which ones are dry clean only. Can't have him ruining any of my suits!" said Cat, quickly scampering out of the room.

Once he was alone with Rimmer, Lister leaned against the counter, folded his arms over his chest, and grinned at him smugly. "Well, Rimmer, looks like I just won a bet."

The hologram frowned. "Yes, I suppose you did. Isn't there anything else you'd rather have me do? Let you wear my old shirts? Pretend to like it when you play the guitar? Commit suicide?"

Lister shook his head. "No way. That wasn't the bet we agreed on. You're going to have to rub me ugly, smelly, disgusting, athlete's foot infected, feet."

Rimmer's face crinkled up in extreme disgust as he thought about how dreadful those feet must smell up close. But he had made a bet and he had lost fair and square. "Fine. I'll do it. But only if you wash them first!"

"Fine," conceded Lister. It was fun messing with Rimmer but he didn't want to torture the man too much. Then he might never speak to him again! Stranded out in deep space, Lister needed every bit of company he could get. "I'll go wash 'em. Meet me in the artificial reality suite in twenty minutes," he said, walking out to go get ready. "Oh, I can't wait. This is the best bet I ever made! Even better than the time I bet Peterson a whole six pack of lager that I could run through all the halls on our deck naked without getting caught."

Rimmer frowned to himself; he was certainly glad he hadn't had the misfortune of being out in the halls during that fiasco! "Oh what have I gotten myself into…" he muttered as he walked out. He figured he should go down to the AR suite early and mentally prepare himself. This was going to be scarring.

**Note: I personally never thought Kryten had a Canadian accent but according to Wikipedia (the most reliable source on Earth :P) he is supposed to sound Canadian so I just thought I'd put that in there. **

**Reviews anybody? **


	5. Socks

Rimmer was already in the AR suite when Lister walked in, feet washed, even wearing a clean pair of socks. He had really gone all out for the hologram.

"Alright, let's get this over with," sighed Rimmer. "What game are we going into?"

"Not Better Than Life, I can tell you that! With you in there we're liable to get eaten by a giant bloodthirsty armadillo!" exclaimed Lister. "We need something that isn't impacted by your mind so you can't mess it up!"

"Holly?" asked Rimmer. "What total immersion video games do we have that don't allow the player's mind to make changes in the program?"

"Let's see," said Holly. "We've got Zombie Apocalypse: Mega Guts and Gore Edition, Call of Duty 132, Alien Vampire Invasion 3, Tetris, Attack of the Killer Cacti… Ah here's something that'll work for you: Dream Date."

"Dream Date?" asked Rimmer.

"Yeah, you go in, pick from a list of nice locations, and you get the whole place to yourselves until you're ready to come out. It was designed so couples on deep space missions could spend some quality time together somewhere other than the ship's laundry room," explained Holly.

"But Lister and I aren't a couple! Why do we have to go in there?" complained Rimmer.

"'Cause it's the only game we've got where nothing's trying to kill you!" said Holly.

"Come on, Rimmer, you don't seriously want to try to give me a foot rub in the middle of a burning city with a vampire zombie breathing down your neck, do you?" asked Lister.

"No… but the game is going to think we're gay!"

"So?" scoffed Lister. "It's just a game, Rimmer. It doesn't matter."

Rimmer sighed; he supposed being in a date setting with Lister was more agreeable than being gruesomely shot, bit, stabbed, and eaten in the other games. "Oh alright. Let's just get this over with. Holly, cue up Dream Date."

He and Lister put on the AR helmets, closed their eyes, and let reality melt away. When they opened their eyes, they found themselves standing in front of a menu listing different popular date locations. Rimmer looked around with a scowl on his face. "Well this is just great. What do we do now?"

"I think we have to choose one of these," said Dave. "Let's see what we've got. Fancy restaurant…"

"Too romantic," said Rimmer.

"Coffee shop…"

"Too quaint."

"Ballroom dancing…"

Rimmer just crinkled his face in disgust at that one. Just the thought of himself dancing with Lister in a ballroom gown… wait. Why did he just picture himself in a ballroom gown? That was somewhat… disturbing.

"Five star hotel with sound-proof walls and a king sized bed…" said Lister.

"No!" snapped Rimmer. Quickly he scanned through the list for himself. "Here we go. How about a picnic in the park? That's nice and platonic."

Lister sighed begrudgingly. "But I hate picnics in the park."

"Why? I thought you peacenik types loved parks!"

"Well I would like parks but once when I was little before me parents died, we went on a family picnic in the park and I got stung by a bee. I sat on it; it stung me right in the arse. Turns out I'm super allergic to bee stings too. I swelled up like a big balloon animal and I had to go to the hospital. It was traumatic!" explained Lister, a faraway haunted expression on his face as he relived the incident.

"Well we've got to go somewhere!" said Rimmer.

Lister went back to looking at the list. "How about a walk on the beach?" he asked hopefully.

"A walk on the beach? That's so cheesy and romantic! I suppose you'll want me to hold your hand as we walk down the shoreline and feel the waves lapping at our feet, and then kiss you as the sun sets?" he snarked.

"We're not really gonna go for a walk on the beach," said Lister. "We're just gonna sit down in the sand and you're gonna rub me aching, swollen, feet!"

"Okay, fine. The beach it is," Rimmer resigned.

Lister hit the 'walk on the beach option' and suddenly the pair found themselves in a tropical beach paradise. "This is amazing!" exclaimed Lister, looking around elatedly. "This looks just like Fiji!"

"Are we going to do this or not, Listy? I don't have all day," nagged Rimmer.

Lister sat down in the warm, soft, white sand and laid back against the trunk of a conveniently located palm tree, sighing with contentment. A bit hesitantly, Rimmer sat down opposite him and stared at his feet. "What're you waitin' for?" wondered Lister.

"Aren't you going to take your shoes off?" asked Rimmer.

"Nah, I'll let you do that," said Lister.

"Lovely," Rimmer sighed, starting to unlace Lister's boots. He had to admit, it did feel nice to be able to touch things for once. Even if it was just Lister's boot. "Your socks!" the hologram exclaimed when he had removed the boots. "They're white! They're actually clean! That's astounding!"

Lister smirked and didn't say anything just yet.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Rimmer frowned as he saw 'A.J. Rimmer' stitched into the top of the socks. "These are my socks!"

"Yeah, I took 'em out of your dresser. I can't believe you have your socks colour coded and organized by thickness."

"It's very convenient that way!" argued Rimmer. "You never know when there's going to be a freak ice storm and you're going to need thick black woollen socks as soon as possible. I for one won't be getting frostbite. And I can't believe you went through my clothes again. I thought I told you not to."

"Hey, I thought you'd appreciate me wearing these socks instead of wearing a disgusting pair of me own!"

"Fine. But keep the socks. I don't want them back after they've been in your boots!" Rimmer winced as he peeled his socks off of Lister's feet and revealed what he had been dreading to face for so long. Fortunately, Lister had done a surprisingly good job washing his feet and they didn't really smell that bad any more. "Oh god," Rimmer grumbled to himself as he reached out with both hands and touched Lister's foot. Slowly he began to move his fingers up and down it, squeezing and rubbing as he went.

"Oh, smeg. That feels so good," said Lister. "You don't know how much me feet have been killing me since I've been pregnant."

Rimmer continued the massage. It had been so long since he had felt skin to skin contact with another being. It was oddly comforting to be able to touch Lister. It made him feel real and alive again. Longing for more contact, he began to knead even deeper into Lister's aching feet, causing the other man to groan in pleasure.

"Oh… oh Arnold, man. That feels so good. Oh… Right there. Harder. Yeah…"

Rimmer swallowed and shifted uncomfortably. Why did the noises Lister was making have to sound so sexual? Anyone who could hear them but not see them would think they were making passionate love!

It was then that Cat happened to walk past the AR suite and with his sensitive hearing, could hear Lister moaning in satisfaction. Frowning in confusion, Cat's curiosity got the better of him and he stuck his head into the AR suite only to see Lister's face contorted with pleasure.

"Like that?" Rimmer asked.

"Oh, yeah… so good, man... oh…"

"I don't even want to know what they're doing in there!" decided Cat, shaking his head and walking away as quickly as possible.

**It's starting to get slashy in there! ^^ **

**What do you guys think of the story so far?**


	6. Smegging Hormones

"_Oh Roger, you can't leave me now!"_

"_I'm sorry, Janelle. You know I love you, but it has to be this way. I can never see you again!"_

"_But why?"_

"_Because… I'm blind!"_

"_Oh, Roger!"_

Lister sniffled and wiped the tears from his eyes as the couple in one of the many cheesy romantic movies he had been watching lately shared a tragic embrace. "Can't you tell she still loves you, Roger?" Lister cried to the screen. "She's got to! Love can overcome anything!"

"Are you still watching those dreadful romance movies?" asked Rimmer walking into their quarters.

"There's nothing dreadful about them!" Lister argued, trying in vain to cover up that he had been crying. "They're heart wrenching!"

"Looks to me like two people snogging each other's faces off," commented Rimmer.

"But that's not the point!" said Lister. "The point is they're in love! But it's tragic because Roger is blind and he thought Janelle wouldn't want to be with him if she knew. But she doesn't care because she loves him!" Lister blew his nose loudly into his tissue.

"I don't see why that should make you cry," said Rimmer.

Lister sighed. "Look, I used to get emotional watching movies even before I was pregnant but now with these hormones I'm a wreck! Yesterday I cried because I saw two people getting married in a commercial. I know they were just trying to get me to buy a fancy ring from them but it was just so touching!"

"Have you always been such a hopelessly romantic git?" asked Rimmer.

"Yeah, I guess I kinda have, but it's gotten worse lately. I guess seeing other people in love, it makes me feel less alone. It helps me forget that I was just a cheap one-night-stand to the mother of me children." He put his hands on his ever-expanding stomach as if to caress the children that he feared would feel so alone and abandoned without their mother. He had been abandoned by his real parents as a baby; he knew what it felt like. The last thing he wanted was for his children to feel that pain as well.

Rimmer sighed. He hated seeing Lister so depressed… but he wasn't sure why he should care about the other man's feelings. "Come on, you've been lying in bed watching movies all day. Maybe you'll feel better if you get up and do something."

Lister nodded and carefully managed to get himself out of the top bunk and onto the floor. It wasn't an easy task when one was pregnant with twins.

"Good god, Lister, have some self-respect! Put on some trousers!" exclaimed Rimmer. He hated it when Lister just walked around the ship in his boxers, it was so slobbish!

Lister looked flustered. "…I can't," he admitted.

"Why not?"

"They don't fit me anymore. I'm too fat!" He buried his face in his hands and tried desperately not to start crying again.

Rimmer was taken off guard by Lister's sudden emotional outburst. He didn't know what to do; he never was very good at comforting crying people. The last time he had tried to comfort a crying person was when he had worked in the Samaritans and all of the people he had talked to committed suicide! "Lister… why're you crying?" he asked hesitantly.

"Because I'm fat and disgusting!" he sobbed.

"No you're not," said Rimmer.

"Yes I am!"

"No you're not. You're pregnant with twins! You're supposed to get bigger; there are babies growing inside of you!" Rimmer tried to reason with him. "You're fine. You just need some maternity slacks is all."

Lister nodded and wiped his tears on his sleeve. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get all emotional on you like that. Smegging hormones!"

"It's okay, I understand. I imagine it must be even harder for you, being a man. You weren't meant to have all of those pregnancy hormones running around inside of you."

"Yeah, probably," agreed Lister. "Thanks, man. You've really been helping me a lot… It means a lot to me to have you here."

"You're welcome, Listy."

Clumsily Lister took a step closer to the hologram and started to put his arms out towards him, before dropping them back to his sides and shuffling uneasily.

"What was that?" asked Rimmer.

"Well, I was gonna give you a hug but then I remembered you're a hologram so…" he explained awkwardly.

"Ah… well, you still could hug me… if you wanted," said Rimmer. For the life of him he couldn't figure out why he should be so disappointed that Lister wasn't going to hug him anymore. He wasn't even the hugging type; he had never been very fond of unnecessary physical contact. But for some reason he wanted Lister to hug him. It must have just been far too long since anyone had hugged him, he decided. Yes, that must be why.

"How?" wondered Lister.

"Well… like this," said Rimmer, taking a step closer to the other man and wrapping his holographic arms around Lister's body.

Catching the idea, Lister wrapped his arms around Rimmer's holographic body, being very careful not to let his arms go through the other man. It wasn't a very physically satisfying embrace for either of them, but when hugging a hologram, it's the thought that counts.

After standing like that in awkward silence for a few seconds, the pair parted and took a step back from each other.

Rimmer cleared his throat. "So, how about we go and find you some trousers that fit, Listy?" he asked, trying to break the thick cloud awkwardness still lingering in the air.

Lister nodded. "Yeah. We could check in Carter's old quarters. She was pregnant while she was on the Dwarf; I bet there's some old maternity slacks in her wardrobe somewhere."

"If not we could always raid Captain Hollister's closet," teased Rimmer.

Lister glared at him. "Shut up, you smeghead. I may be pregnant with twins but I'm not _that_ big!"

**Reviews are always loved and inspire me to write more :)**


	7. Run!

**Long chapter for you guys :)**

"What on Io are you doing?" asked Rimmer, walking in on Lister rifling through a bag of yarn.

"Well, I just finished hemming me trousers so they fit again and now I'm knitting some baby clothes," he explained, picking up his knitting needles and showing Rimmer the portion of a little blue sweater he had already knitted.

Rimmer looked at him incredulously. "I never knew you could actually knit. I thought you could just make scarfs and asymmetrical excuses for blankets."

"Yeah, me gran taught me when I was little," said Lister, resuming his careful work on the sweater. Rimmer couldn't help but chuckle at the sight.

"What're you laughing about?" asked Lister, shooting the hologram a slight glare.

"You!" said Rimmer. "It's just so funny seeing you knit baby clothes like an old lady. You remind me of my great aunt Bernice. She knit me the ugliest sweater when I was a boy. My mum made me wear it to the first day of kindergarten. I still maintain today that that's one of the main reasons I never had much of a social life."

"There's nothing funny about a man providing clothes for his children," Lister defended himself. "I've got to. There's no baby clothes on-board the Dwarf!"

Just as Rimmer was trying to think of something witty to say in response, the whole ship jolted violently, knocking a few things off the walls and almost sending the hologram and the human both tumbling to the ground. "Smeg, Holly, what was that?" asked Lister. "It made me drop a stich!"

"I don't know," replied Holly. "There's some sort of ship out there. I think it just fired something at us."

"Aliens!" exclaimed Rimmer excitedly.

"You'd better hope it's not aliens," said Lister. "'Cause if it is they're probably gonna try and eat us!"

Rimmer gulped nervously. Just then, the Cat came running into their room. "Hey, guys!" he shouted. "Something just knocked over my full length mirrors! Now I can't see my beautiful self!"

Lister sighed. "Come on, we're going to the drive room to see what it is."

As Lister put down his knitting, something seemed to catch Cat's eye. He stepped forward and picked up one of the balls of yarn lying haphazardly on the floor. "What is this stuff?" he asked.

"It's yarn. I'm knitting clothes for Jim and Bexley," Lister explained.

Curiously, Cat started to unravel the ball of yarn and seemed entranced with it. "I don't know what it is about this stuff but I like it! Can I keep it?" he asked.

"Sure, whatever," said Lister. "Now let's just go see what's attacking us!"

Lister and Rimmer began to head towards the drive room, leaving Cat to keep playing with the yarn, tossing it up in the air and catching it. "Man! This stuff is so cool! You can have a big ball at one end and a short dangly part on the other end or you can unroll it and have a little ball on one end and a long dangly part on the other, or you can unroll it all the way and have on big long dangly piece!" he exclaimed.

Lister groaned and went back into the room, dragging Cat out by the elbow of his fancy suit. "Come on, Cat…"

On their way to the drive room, Red Dwarf was hit again, this time worse than before. "Holly, what's the damage?" asked Lister, picking himself up off the ground.

"I don't know. All my sensors went out," she replied.

Lister groaned in exasperation and just as he got to his feet, was knocked down by another blast.

"This thing's gonna kill us!" Rimmer exclaimed.

"It's gonna mess up my suit with all of this falling over!" cried Cat.

"You're probably gonna have to go out there and fight it," said Holly.

"Fight it? No way!" said Rimmer.

"Would you rather stay here and get blown to bits? The second that thing takes out the hologram simulation suite, you're toast," Lister reminded him.

Rimmer gulped. "Alright. We'll go fight it. But if that thing destroys us the second we get out there, just remember this wasn't my idea!"

"We're not gonna remember anything if we're dead," Lister pointed out. "And you're already dead so what have you go to lose? Come on, let's go get Kryten and get in Starbug."

* * *

Once they were all together and in Starbug, they took off into space and for the first time beheld the alien craft that was attacking them. It was big, shiny, and equipped with all of the latest weapons technology its planet had to offer. Everyone was speechless for a moment.

"We haven't got a chance against that thing!" said Lister.

"Buddy, in our condition, we don't stand a chance against a school bus full of children flicking rubber bands out the windows!" Cat reminded him.

"I've got an idea," said Rimmer, slightly paralyzed in fear. "How about we run?"

"Mr. Rimmer, sir, we can't outrun that! If my scanners are reading correctly, that ship is equipped with a warp drive of some kind. We'd have better luck outrunning a swarm of angry bees on steroids whilst covered in honey and stuck in quick sand!" said Kryten. "The only good thing is scanners only register one life form on the craft."

"Maybe it hasn't detected us yet. Maybe it thinks we're still on the ship," pointed out Rimmer.

"Uh… too late for that, bud," said Cat, looking down at his screen.

"Why?" asked Rimmer.

"He's just locked onto us with a missile!"

"Do you think you can get us out of the way, Cat?" asked Lister.

"There's an old cat saying that applies to this situation," Cat began calmly. "It goes something like this: If there's something trying to kill you, you better get your ass out of the way!" With that, the missile was fired and Cat skilfully dodged it.

Everyone let out a sigh of relief, except for Rimmer who could feel himself quickly heading for a full blown panic attack. "That was a close one!" exclaimed Cat.

"They're locking on another missile, sir," reported Kryten.

"We've got to fight back. Kryten, do we have enough power to fire the laser cannons?" asked Lister.

"Hardly, sir. But it will have to do."

"Alright, Cat, how's your aim?" Lister wondered.

"Almost as good as my sense of style," smirked Cat.

"Divert all non-essential power to the laser cannons," Lister ordered. "We're going in."

"Yes, well, while you gentlemen take care of that, I'm just gonna go have a panic attack in a dark corner somewhere. You guys have fun, bye!" said Rimmer, keeping his cool until the last sentence. He then hastily ran out of the cockpit before the others could see him start to hyperventilate.

Lister sighed, shook his head, and brought Starbug to within firing range of the alien ship. "Now, Cat!" he shouted, and the Felix Sapien fired the laser cannon at the alien vessel. It was a direct hit and the ship was obviously damaged, but still intact.

"Nice shot, man!" grinned Lister.

"It's all in the nose," Cat assured him.

"Sir! The alien ship is transmitting the universal sign for surrender!" announced Kryten, looking down at the communications screen.

"We must have hit him hard," said Lister. "You guys get us out of here. I'm gonna go check on Rimmer." He got up from his station, left the cockpit, and went to go look for the hologram. Rimmer had appeared to be in pretty bad shape when he had run out so panicked. Lister hated the thought of Rimmer curled up in a corner somewhere, shaking, crying, all alone and pathetic.

"Rimmer?" he called out into the corridor. "Arnold man?" There was no response. Lister checked under the radar consul, in the utility closet, under the beds in the unused sleeping quarters, but all to no avail. Just as he was about to leave the sleeping quarters, he heard a strangled gasp coming from not too far away and turned around. "Rimmer?"

Following the sound of whimpering, Lister went over to the shower stall and pulled back the door, revealing Rimmer looking quite pitiful sitting on the floor with his knees pulled into his chest, shivering and hyperventilating. "Hey, are you okay, man?" Lister asked, getting down on the floor next to the hologram. "Why're you in the shower? Didn't want to stain the carpet if you wet yourself?" he attempted to lighten the mood with humour, but the joke seemed lost on Rimmer.

"Not entirely," he replied shakily. "It just seemed like a good place to hide where the alien wouldn't find me and kill me."

"Well, it sure took me a while to find you, I'll tell you that," said Lister.

"What happened out there? Did you kill it?" Rimmer asked.

"Not quite. We hit him hard and he surrendered. Cat and Kryten should be getting us back to the Dwarf right now."

Suddenly, the Bug jolted as it took a direct hit from another missile. Rimmer, who had begun to calm down, was thrown right back into complete panic. "That doesn't sound like surrender to me!" he cried.

"Smeg!" exclaimed Lister. "I've got to get back up there and see what's going on!" But he just couldn't stand to leave Rimmer like that. "Hey, calm down, Arnold. It's gonna be alright. We'll take care of everything, I promise," he assured him. "Just relax, deep breaths."

Rimmer did as he was told and tried to calm down. Even though holograms didn't need to breathe, going through the motions was still somewhat comforting.

"You gonna be okay?" Lister made sure.

Rimmer nodded. "Go help Cat and Kryten. I'll be fine."

Lister wished he could give the other man some physical form of comfort before he left, a pat on the back, a squeeze of the hand, a hug, a hand on the knee, but he couldn't, so he just nodded and left him sitting in the shower.

"What am I doing? I'm such a smegging coward," Rimmer chided himself before picking himself up off the cold floor and running back towards the cockpit.

"What happened?" Lister asked as he came back in as quick as he could in his pregnant state.

"It appears he only surrendered so he could catch us off guard," said Kryten. "He's just fired his last missile at us and we're waiting for the laser cannons to recharge. Should just be a few more seconds, Sir. Wait a minute… the life sign readings on the ship have just gone down from one to zero!"

"So that means either he's dead or…" began Cat.

"Intruder alert! Intruder alert! There is an intruder on board; this is your alert!" Holly suddenly called out.

"Oh smeg!" cried Lister.

"What's going on?" asked Rimmer, running back into the cockpit.

"The alien just beamed on board!" said Kryten.

"I think I'm going to pass out…" mumbled Rimmer, shakily slumping down into his seat.

"Come on, let's get the bazookoids," said Lister, but as he stood up, a giant lizard man with large, dripping fangs appeared in the entryway and growled menacingly. Rimmer promptly passed out.

"I think right now we should go with goalpost head's original plan: run!" cried Cat.

All three charged at the alien at once, confusing it enough that they could all run past it. It growled angrily and went after them. Thankfully the alien was slow and quite clumsy in his space suit and under the unfamiliar gravity of Starbug. Trying to throw it off their trail, Cat and Kryten went down separate corridors, but Lister was left behind. He was far too pregnant to be able to run. "Hey! Guys! Wait for me!" he called out desperately, but they were already too far gone.

Frantically, he began to look around for a way out, but the alien was closing in on him backing him into a corner. Lister put his hands up defensively and began to tremble. "Hey, man, let's talk this out. You wouldn't want to kill a pregnant man, would you?"

The alien just looked down at Lister's large round stomach and licked its lips. Three for the price of one.

"Guess you would…" said Lister, his back hitting the wall. "Somebody! Help me!"

Still passed out in the cockpit, Rimmer regained consciousness to the sound of Lister calling out for help. Quickly he scrambled to his holographic feet and peered out of the entryway where he could clearly see Lister standing helplessly in the corner, arms protectively around his stomach, as the alien looked at him with a hungry, murderous glare.

Rimmer swallowed hard. Was he really going to let Lister, defenceless and heavily pregnant, be viciously torn apart in front of him? How could he ever live with himself? Normally, he would have cowered in the corner, shielding himself from the unspeakable things that were about to happen to Lister, but as he saw the pleading, petrified look in the man's deep brown eyes, the measly amount of courage he had inside of him sprung forward all at once, and Rimmer charged out of the cockpit and put himself right in front of the alien.

The courage drained out of him a bit as he looked the creature in its beady eyes, but he knew what he had to do. "Hey, lizard brains," he stammered, unable to think of a better insult at the time. "If you want him, you're gonna have to go through me first!"

With that, the alien easily stepped through him, causing Rimmer to shudder at the unsettling sensation of being walked through. "Well, that wasn't the best choice of words for a hologram," he muttered to himself, before remembering that Lister was still about to be eaten. Unable to think of a better plan, Rimmer ran past the alien and sat cowering on the floor with Lister. If Lister had to die, at least he wasn't going to die alone.

"Thanks for trying to save me, man," Dave managed to choke out as the alien stepped closer still. "You did the best you could."

"But it still wasn't good enough," Rimmer shook his head in despair.

"That was the most courageous thing I've ever seen you do," said Lister. "I can't believe you'd risk your life for me."

"I can't believe it either," admitted Rimmer, he still didn't know what had possessed him to run out there like that.

"Looks like this is it, then," said Lister. "Good bye, Arnold. Despite all I've said, it's been nice knowing you."

"You too, Dave. Good bye…" With that, the two men closed their eyes and awaited their imminent deaths.

Back in the corridors, Cat and Kryten met up in a panic. "Thank God I found you!" exclaimed Kryten. "Wait! Where's Mr. Lister!"

"What do you mean? I thought he was with you!" exclaimed Cat.

They both gasped and ran as fast as they could back to where they had left the alien, only stopping for a second to grab bazookoids along the way.

Just as the alien was about to sink its teeth into the flesh around Lister's skull, Kryten and Cat snuck up behind it and blasted it with their bazookoids. The charred corpse of the lizard man fell to the ground, undeniably dead. "Mr. Lister, sir!" cried Kryten, running up to them.

Lister and Rimmer dared to open their eyes and sighed in relief as they saw the creature dead on the floor and Kryten and Cat running to their rescue. "Kryten, man! Cat! You saved us!" exclaimed Lister happily as the mechanoid pulled him to his feet.

"Mr. Lister, sir! Are you alright?" asked Kryten.

"Yeah, I think so, just a bit shaken up is all," he replied.

Rimmer picked himself up off the ground. "Everybody's always worried about Lister. Nobody cares about me. I could have gotten killed too, you know! He could have crushed my lightbee! Nobody wants to know if I'm alright!"

"Exactly, nobody cares about you!" said Cat.

Rimmer frowned and crossed his arms. Lister glanced back at him. "Hey, Rimmer, are you alright?" he asked.

"Yes, fine, thank you," he replied. "There, that wasn't so hard, was it?"

"Come on, sirs, let's get back to Red Dwarf and I'll make a nice dinner. Mr. Lister has had more than enough stress for one day in his condition!" said Kryten, leading them back into the cockpit.

As they walked past the dead body of the alien, Rimmer stopped and stared at the fangs, menacing even when the thing was dead. Only a fool or a hero would willingly jump out in front of a creature like that! What had he been thinking?

**What do you guys think? Leave me a review :)**


	8. Sharing a Bed with the Smeghead

Later that night after eating the dinner Kryten had so meticulously prepared for them, Lister and Cat went to see a movie in the theatre while Rimmer opted to go to bed early. Being scared out of his mind always made him tired.

It was past midnight when Lister blearily stumbled back into their quarters. "Holly, lights on," he mumbled. Normally he would have been able to find his way to the bed in the dim light radiating from Rimmer's sleeping form, but in his condition he didn't want to risk tripping over a rogue sock.

Lately he had been having trouble getting into his top bunk since he was so heavily pregnant. Carefully he stood on the edge of Rimmer's bunk and tried to haul himself into bed but he just couldn't. He sighed as he stepped back onto the ground. These bunks weren't made for pregnant people to get into.

Giving up the notion that he was going to have a nice relaxing sleep in his bed that night, he scanned the room for other options. He couldn't sleep on the floor or on the couch; it would kill his back and he didn't think he would be able to handle any more back pain. He supposed he could always take his blankets and pillow and go sleep in one of the other bunk rooms on the ship, but something about that just seemed so cold and lonely. It wouldn't be his room or his bed. It would be the bed of some dead person; a bed that hadn't been slept in in 3 million years. The room would be cold too; they were conserving fuel by not heating parts of the ship that were unused. And Rimmer wouldn't be there. As much as the smeghead annoyed him, Lister found it somewhat comforting to have the room dimly lit by Rimmer's holographic glow, to hear the other man snore softly or mumble in his sleep, and to know that he would be there if he needed him.

Lister blinked and shook his head. Must just be the hormones and lack of sleep making him get all sentimental like that. Still, he gazed down at Rimmer's prone form; the man looked so peaceful when he was asleep. It was the only time that he didn't look tense. Then Lister had a thought… The bed would be big enough, he had shared a bed with Peterson before and it hadn't been all that awkward… Maybe he was just way too tired and wasn't thinking clearly, but at the time it seemed like the best option.

"Hey, Rimmer man, scoot over," he whispered as he gingerly slipped into bed next to the hologram. Rimmer mumbled something in his sleep and rolled over. Lister sighed in relief; thank God the man was such a heavy sleeper. "Night, Rimsy," he said as he settled himself down into the pillow.

"Hmm night…" Rimmer mumbled, still more than half asleep. Thinking he was in the clear, Lister closed his eyes and sighed in contentment. It wasn't the best sleeping arrangement, but he'd been in worse.

Suddenly, something processed in Rimmer's circuits and his eyes flew open. "Lister!" he cried. "What the smeg are you doing in my bed! ?"

Lister blushed. "I'm sorry, man. I didn't have anywhere else to sleep."

"What's wrong with your bunk?" Rimmer grumbled, rubbing his eyes and attempting to become more awake.

"Nothing. I just… can't get up into it," he put his hands on his large stomach for emphasis.

"Oh." Rimmer sighed. He couldn't very well just let the poor pregnant man sleep on the floor or in a cold empty room somewhere. Besides, he just really wanted to go back to sleep. He had been having the loveliest dream about conquering Europe alongside Napoleon Bonaparte. "Alright, fine, you can have my bunk. I'll take yours… as disgusting as it may be." Begrudgingly, Rimmer slipped out of the bottom bunk and climbed up into Lister's.

It had to be the most disgusting bed he had ever seen in his life. Just the smell of it was enough to make him want to gag. The pillow was covered in dried drool stains, curry stains, and God knows what other kinds of stains. The sheets reeked of curry, cigarettes, sweat, and Lister's feet and he realized he couldn't remember the last time Lister had washed them. "On second thought," he said, jumping back down to the ground, "I'll just sleep on the floor."

Having no use for blankets or pillows, Rimmer laid down on the cold hard floor, put his arm under his head, closed his eyes, and tried to put himself back on a horse with Napoleon. Feeling uncomfortable despite the fact that he could not actually feel the cold floor underneath him, he frowned and shifted his position. A few seconds later he rolled over and moved around some more but it still just didn't feel right.

Lister sighed as he watched Rimmer toss and turn. He couldn't fall asleep if he was feeling guilty! Who was he to kick Rimmer out of his own bed and make him sleep on the floor? "Hey, look, man, just get back into bed," he said. "There's room enough for both of us."

"Are—are you sure?" asked Rimmer, sitting up from the floor. "It wouldn't be… weird or anything?"

"Nah, it'll be fine. I've done this before with Peterson when I was too drunk to get back to me own quarters. It wasn't weird," said Lister.

Rimmer stood up from the floor feeling somewhat nervous as Lister scooted over to make room for him. Awkwardly and timidly, the hologram laid down next to the pregnant man. "See, it's not that bad," said Lister.

"Yes… just two blokes platonically sharing a one-person bunk together… not weird at all…" said Rimmer, and neither he nor Lister could tell if he was being sarcastic or just plain awkward. "Just don't snore too loud. I don't want you keeping me up all night," he added, trying to be his usual snide self.

"Can't promise that," said Lister. "I also can't promise that you won't wake up with me spooning you," he joked with a grin. Rimmer instinctually frowned and tensed up at that. Lister just laughed. "Relax, man. I'm only kidding." Rimmer seemed to relax a little bit but he still seemed generally uncomfortable. "Thanks for letting me sleep here," said Lister.

"No problem, Listy," said Rimmer, even though it kind of was a problem for him. He didn't know if he would be able to fall asleep with another man in his bed like that. But it was his job to keep Lister sane and he supposed that meant keeping him comfortable too. He turned onto his side with his back to Lister and stared out into the room.

"Night, Rimmer."

"Goodnight, Lister."

It wasn't more than a few minutes before Rimmer heard soft snores coming from the man beside him. Rolling over, he took a few seconds to look at his bunkmate. He noticed that Lister looked like much less of an annoying git when he was asleep. He looked oddly innocent with his thumb resting lazily in his mouth out of habit. Realizing that he was staring, Rimmer blushed, turned back over, closed his eyes, and tried to sleep.

* * *

The next morning at 7, Holly appeared on the screen in Rimmer and Lister's room to wake them up, only to find the two men both in Rimmer's bed, sound asleep and cuddling. Well, as close to cuddling as a human and a hologram could get. One of Lister's arms was sprawled out through Rimmer's torso and one of the hologram's arms was going through Lister's chest. The edge of Rimmer's projection was perfectly lined up with the edge of Lister's body and even their legs were crossing through each other.

"Aw… how adorable," said Holly to herself. She just couldn't bring herself to wake them up and ruin such a rare cute moment. She decided she had better just let them wake up on their own that morning.

By ten o'clock Kryten was pacing the kitchen nervously. He had made breakfast for Mr. Lister hours ago! It had gotten cold and the whip cream had undoubtedly made the homemade waffles soggy and inedible by now! He really hoped everything was alright… come to think of it, he hadn't seen Mr. Rimmer all morning either! Unwilling to just pace around and worry any longer, Kryten went off to find them. They were probably still sleeping; non-mechanoids could be so lazy!

"Mister Lister, sir?" he called out as he opened the door to Lister and Rimmer's sleeping quarters. "Oh my…" he said as he saw his masters sprawled out together in the same bunk, immediately feeling embarrassed for witnessing what looked like such a private, intimate moment.

"Aren't they cute? Just couldn't stand to wake 'em up," said Holly, popping up on the screen.

"I don't think we should be watching them like this," Kryten told Holly. "It just doesn't seem right… How did they end up in bed together? Did they…?" the mechanoid had to wonder.

"What? Oh, that! No," said Holly. "I didn't see exactly what happened; I have better things to do then spy on them all the time, but it seems like they just kinda crawled in bed together."

"Well while you let them cuddle, Mr. Lister's breakfast got cold and soggy. I'll just have to make him another one when he wakes up," said Kryten, walking out of the room to go fold laundry.

"Alright," said Holly. "I'm just gonna stay here and spy on them. Can't imagine what it's gonna be like when they wake up."

The sound of the computer and the mechanoid talking combined with the sound of the door sliding shut behind Kryten was enough to rouse Lister from his contented sleep. He didn't open his eyes at first and instead laid in that peaceful state somewhere between being asleep and being completely awake. As he lay there, he noticed that the sheets underneath him felt distinctly different from what he was used to. They felt remarkably soft and he couldn't feel any leftover dinner crumbs on them. They smelled different too, nothing like curry and sweat… kind of like laundry detergent. They smelled… clean! It was then that he realized there was no way this was his bed.

As he woke up further, it all came rushing back to him. He remembered not being able to get into his bunk and then… crawling into bed with Rimmer. But Rimmer knew he was there, he had opted to sleep in the bunk with Lister rather than have either of them sleep on the floor. He just hoped Rimmer wouldn't be too awkward about the whole thing. He knew how uncomfortable Rimmer tended to get about things like this. The hologram had probably already gotten up and left and would just pretend like nothing ever happened.

With that thought in mind, Lister finally opened his eyes only to discover that Rimmer had not already gotten up. In fact, he found himself staring straight into a head of messy light brown curls. Lifting his head up, he looked down and saw how his body was intertwined with the hologram's. He blushed; Rimmer was going to freak out if he knew they were touching like this.

Lister's movements were enough to pull Rimmer from his sleep. As soon as he was awake, he felt a very strange sensation, sort of like when someone walked through him. Opening his eyes, he swallowed nervously as he saw the compromising position he was in with Lister. Turning around to face the other man, he saw that Lister had also just woken up and was blushing. Both men quickly pulled their limbs away from each other and scooted to opposite ends of the bed.

"Sorry," said Lister quickly, ducking his head.

Rimmer couldn't decide whether to be angry or not, but getting mad would just stretch the matter further. He just wanted to be done with this as soon as possible. Besides, it wasn't as if Lister had tried to cuddle with him in his sleep. It had probably just… happened. "It's um… it's okay…" he replied quietly. "You didn't mean to."

Lister glanced at the clock, desperate to change the subject. "Smeg, we slept in," he remarked.

Rimmer looked at the clock as well. It was almost 10:30. "How did we sleep in so late? Holly!" he called out. "Why didn't you wake us up?"

"Huh?" asked Holly, popping up on screen with a bag of digital popcorn which she quickly cast aside.

Rimmer sighed and shook his head. "Never mind." God only knew what that ditzy senile computer was doing. Rimmer got out of bed and had Holly dress him in his beige and grey uniform whilst Lister also dragged himself out of the clean, comfortable bed. If he was being honest, that was probably the best sleep of his life, despite the fact that he had been in bed with Rimmer.

"I didn't keep you up did I?" asked Lister. "I wasn't snoring and talking in me sleep?"

"No, nothing like that," said Rimmer. "But if you're not going to be able to sleep in your bed until you have the babies then we're going to need to find a more permanent solution. I'm sure not ever going to do that again."

Lister felt oddly dejected upon hearing that Rimmer wouldn't want to sleep with him ever again, but he didn't know why he should care. It wasn't as if he had actually enjoyed sharing a bed with the smeghead!

"Well how about we move to the officers' quarters?" suggested Lister. "The beds are bigger and comfier. I could take the bottom bunk for now, I'll try to keep it clean, and then after the babies are born we can switch back. Or I suppose if I'm gonna have to constantly get up to take care of 'em, it would be easier for me to keep the bottom bunk. But we could switch back eventually, I promise."

"The officers' quarters! Of course! Why didn't we think of it before!" exclaimed Rimmer. "I mean, we've had run of this whole ship for 2 years and we're still in the same smeggy technicians' bunkroom!"

"How're we gonna get all of our crap out of here?" wondered Lister. "I can't do any heavy lifting and you can't touch anything."

"And that, Listy," grinned Rimmer. "Is what mechanoids are for. Oh, Kryten! Come here, you metallic moving van!"


	9. Far From Alone

**A long and dramatic chapter for you guys! Enjoy! **

They had spent the rest of that day moving all of their stuff into the officers' quarters. Well, Kryten had spent the rest of the day moving their stuff. Lister and Rimmer had just been telling him where to put it and there was no way the Cat would be caught dead helping them move. He could have ripped a thread on one of his suits!

Later that night when everything was all moved in, Lister and Rimmer settled into their new bunks. Lister marvelled at how clean his new bed felt and smelled. It was also a bit bigger than his old one.

Rimmer felt a little out of place in the top bunk. His brothers had never let him have the top bunk as a kid and soon he had grown comfortable with having the bottom bunk. It was much more convenient. He could escape the room much quicker if there was a fire and there was no chance of him falling out of bed and severely injuring himself if he had a particularly disturbing nightmare. But he found that he was okay with sleeping in the top bunk if it was for Lister's sake.

Early the next morning, Lister woke up to find the room still dark. He glanced over at the clock and groaned. 5 in the morning? Smeg! Why was he awake at such an ungodly hour? He could tell that he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, not like this. He had to pee again and he was having the most intense craving for chocolate ice cream with curry sauce and pickles. He frowned at the thought, next thing he knew he would be craving Pot Noodle! Nevertheless, he knew he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep without a nice curried pickle sundae, so he dragged himself out of bed, threw on his robe and trudged into the kitchen.

He knew Kryten would be more than happy to make him the odd meal and bring it to him in bed but he felt bad for running the mechanoid ragged with all of his sudden cravings and constant requests. So instead he got out a huge bowl, scooped himself a generous serving of chocolate ice cream, stuck a few pickles in it, and drizzled the whole thing with curry sauce. Grabbing a spoon, he licked his lips and dug in. "Mmm… so good," he murmured with his mouth full as sweet, salty, and spicy hit his taste buds all at once. Now if only he could find some whip cream to top it all off…

* * *

Rimmer turned his head towards the door as he heard someone walk in. "Hey, man," said Lister as he shut the door behind him.

"Oh, Listy, where've you been?" wondered Rimmer.

"I've just been out thinking…" replied Lister.

"Thinking about what?" Rimmer wanted to know.

"Thinking about you," he said, stepping closer. "Thinking about how great you've been these last few weeks and how I really don't know what I'd do without you."

Rimmer blushed. "Y—you really think that?"

"Yeah," said Lister stepping even closer so that they were almost touching. "You're a really great man, Arnold, and… I love you."

Rimmer gasped and felt his heart begin to race with excitement. "I—I love you too, Listy. God I love you!" he admitted.

"Oh Arnold, kiss me!" Lister cried.

Rimmer placed his hands on the other man's shoulders, leaned in and kissed him passionately on the lips. He felt Lister's tongue slip into his mouth and he moaned, kissing back with every fibre of his being. The smaller man put his hands on Rimmer's chest and began to push him backwards. As soon as Rimmer's back hit the wall… he woke up.

Rimmer's eyes flew open and he sat up gasping, cold simulated sweat dripping down his holographic body, and incredibly aroused. Immediately he began to panic. What the smeg was that! ? A gay dream about Lister! But he wasn't gay! Had he woken up Lister? He couldn't let him see him like this! He didn't even think he could ever look the other man in the eye again after what he had just dreamt! "Lister…?" he called out tentatively. There was no reply. He peered down into Lister's bunk and saw that it was empty. The man had probably gone to fulfil one of his strange midnight cravings again.

Thinking about Lister sent another rush of panic through him as he remembered all-too-pleasant feeling the man's tongue in his mouth. There had to be a logical explanation for this! "Holly!" he called out.

"What is it now, Arnold?" she asked groggily, popping up on screen.

"Please tell me there's a malfunction with the hologram simulation software!" he begged.

Holly thought about it for a second. "No, not that I can tell. Why, what's wrong?"

"I just had the most disturbing dream!" he said, heart still pounding.

Holly sighed. "Everyone has nightmares, Arnold. Now go back to sleep."

"No! You don't understand! This wasn't a nightmare! The disturbing part was that it was a good dream!" he cried.

Holly just looked confused. "Well, let's hear it then."

"I…" he closed his eyes. Smeg, this was going to be hard to say. "I had a dream that I was kissing…" Wait! He couldn't tell Holly that he had dreamed of kissing Lister! He had to think of someone else, some other guy. Who was a guy that people were always saying was hot back on Earth? "That I was kissing um… Brad Pitt…" he said unconvincingly.

"Brad Pitt, eh?" said Holly. "He's okay looking I guess. Well, not anymore. Now he's probably just a pile of dust somewhere. So what's the problem?" she wondered.

"The problem is I'm not gay!" he exclaimed.

"Are you sure?" she asked as casually as if she had just asked if he was sure he had turned off the light in the hall.

"Yes I'm sure!" he snapped. "I've been me for all of my life and more! How could I possibly not know? I don't like men!"

"Sure looks like you do," said Holly, staring at the holographic bulge at Rimmer's crotch.

He blushed furiously and pulled his knees into his chest. "Smeg off! I'm not gay! I can't be gay!"

"Gordon Bennett, calm down, Arnold," she sighed, knowing she was going to have to play therapist to a neurotic man having a sexual identity crisis a little late in life—or death. "Why can't you be gay?"

"B—because!" he exclaimed. "Because I like women!"

"What women have you ever been attracted to?"

"Uh… Yvonne McGruder!"

"Did you have sex with her because you were attracted to her or because she wanted to and you felt like you were socially obligated to not turn her down?" Holly asked, even though she already knew the answer. She had Rimmer's personality disc. She knew everything about him, even things he didn't know about himself yet.

"Stop asking me these questions, Holly! I can't think straight— I mean, I can't think!" The hologram could still feel the simulated adrenaline coursing through him and he knew that Lister could walk back into the room at any moment. He couldn't risk letting the man see him like this. "I—I need to go for a walk!" he decided, jumping out of bed and briskly stumbling down the corridor, trying to quell his panic and calm his own feverish thoughts.

He paced aimlessly and anxiously through the ship for a while, playing scenes over and over in his head. He remembered his dream, the imagined feeling of another man's lips against his. He remembered his father pointing at a gay couple walking down the street one day and telling him and his brothers that they had better not disgrace the Rimmer family name by turning out gay. His brothers had all dated girls throughout their high school years while Rimmer was never all that interested in girls and sex. No, he had been too busy trying not to disappoint his parents academically to worry about disappointing them with his choice of a date.

Eventually he found himself in the drive room and shakily sunk down into one of the chairs, pulling his knees into his chest for comfort. He was shivering uncontrollably and he felt sick. "Holly?" he called out meekly. "I think I'm having a panic attack."

"Do you want me to get Dave?" she asked.

"No! No, um, get Kryten," he decided.

"Alright," said the computer softly. She felt bad for Arnold, she really did. It was sad that not everyone could be as accepting of their sexuality as she was. It was heart-breaking to see him suffer over something that really didn't need to be so upsetting.

A few moments later, Rimmer could hear Kryten coming down the corridor. "Mr. Rimmer, sir! What's the matter?" he asked.

Rimmer didn't even know how to begin explaining it to the mechanoid. He took in a deep shaky breath but as soon as he opened his mouth to speak, he burst into tears. Alarmed, Kryten sat down next to him and tried to put his arm around his shaking form. "There, there. It's okay, sir!" he said awkwardly.

"No, it's not!" Rimmer shook his head. "I don't know why I'm feeling this way! I can't be gay! I've always felt so weird around gay people! There's just something about them… And my parents! God, my parents would be so disappointed. They—they would hate me! I know they're dead but they would hate me! Oh, God, I—I…" Out of things to say, all he could do was cry again.

"Oh… May I ask what brought all of this on?" wondered Kryten.

"I had a dream I kissed another man and… I enjoyed it. More than I've ever enjoyed kissing any woman. But I've never liked men before! At least I didn't think I did! I'm so confused!"

"Well there's nothing wrong with being gay, sir," Kryten told him.

"Yeah, just look at me," said Holly. "I'm bisexual and I used to be a man."

Rimmer looked up at Holly and nodded. Sure, he had thought it was a little weird when he had first found out about Holly's sex change but he had gotten used to it pretty quickly. It seemed completely normal to refer to Holly as a female now. And he had felt a bit uncomfortable when Holly had first said that her bread was buttered on both sides, but it hadn't really bothered him since.

"If it makes you feel any better, sir, I'm not straight either," Kryten informed him.

Rimmer looked at him and quirked an eyebrow. "I thought mechanoids were programmed to not be attracted to anyone."

"Well, yes, but I've obviously broken my programming. I wasn't attracted to anyone until Mr. Lister rebuilt me, but now I've found myself attracted to men, women, and various kitchen appliances."

The hologram blinked. The kitchen appliances did bring up a few questions, but at the time, Rimmer was more curious about the men. "You've been attracted to men?" he asked. "Who?"

"Well," began Kryten, his embarrassment chip kicking in a little, but he knew his confession would most likely help Rimmer feel better about himself. "Recently I've begun to find Mr. Lister quite attractive."

Rimmer blushed. Was everyone falling for Lister? What was it about him? Was he letting off some weird pregnancy hormone that was making everyone want him or was the man really just that loveable?

"Mr. Rimmer, sir," Kryten continued to talk. "I might even find you attractive if you had a different hairstyle and were a bit less, forgive me, weaselly."

Rimmer looked up at the mechanoid with a surprised half-glare. "What's wrong with my hairstyle?"

"Oh nothing, sir! It suits you just fine," Kryten assured him.

Rimmer sighed a longsuffering sigh, shook his head, and ran his hands over his face. "Smeg, I can't believe this. All of my life I never even considered that I might be gay! My parents raised me to be so intolerant of homosexuality that I just assumed I had to be straight! But it would explain so much… Why is this happening now? I thought you were supposed to go through this sort of thing when you were a teenager!"

"Not necessarily, sir. This is the first time you've been completely away from the influence of your parents. Even though you moved out when you were 14, you were still in communication with your family and were still greatly concerned with disappointing them. Now that they've been dead for 3 million years you're finally able to explore your sexuality without subconsciously worrying about what your parents will think," explained Kryten.

"I… I think you're right, Kryten. God, I can still see the look on my father's face…" he said with a haunted expression. "He's always been so disappointed in me! In everything I do! I wasn't top of my class in school, I didn't become a test pilot in the space corps, I fixed smegging chicken soup machines for a living, and now this! I've wasted my life because of them!" He could feel tears welling up in his eyes again. He didn't want to cry again, he felt like he had cried enough for one night, but he couldn't stop himself. The tears were already spilling over and rolling down his cheeks.

Holly and Kryten shared a concerned glance, both at a loss for what else they could do to help the man. "I'm gonna get Dave," said Holly. Kryten nodded and she disappeared from the screen.

Meanwhile, Lister was still in the kitchen, digging through the fridge. He was still hungry but he couldn't figure out what he was craving this time. Ketchup on cinnamon toast? That might be good, he thought to himself. It was at least worth a try. Just as he was grabbing the bottle, Holly popped up on the screen behind him. "Dave?"

"What's up, Hol?" he asked, closing the fridge.

"I think you should come to the drive room," she said. "Arnold's having a bit of a sexual identity crisis."

"Sexual identity crisis? Rimmer? It's about smegging time!" Lister put down the ketchup and made his way to the drive room as quickly as his heavily pregnant body would let him. He didn't know exactly what to expect when he found the other man, but knowing Rimmer he suspected that the fetal position and a lot of denial would be involved.

When he reached the drive room he found Kryten with a concerned and sympathetic look plastered on his face sitting next to Rimmer who was quietly sobbing with his face in his hands. Lister found his heart breaking a bit at the sight. He'd never seen Rimmer look so utterly miserable and alone. "Hey, Arnold man, it's gonna be okay," he said, quickly sitting down next to him. If only he could just put his arm around him!

Rimmer looked up and saw Lister's face through his tear-filled bloodshot eyes. He felt his heart leap into his throat and his stomach did a somewhat pleasant flip. Smeg, when did Lister get so attractive? Then he supposed that he had always been attracted to Lister, he'd just never been able to admit it to himself before. "Oh, hello, Listy," he sniffled. "I think I might be gay…" It felt unbelievably good to finally say it. Even though the statement was padded with 'think' and 'might', he had still said it.

"I know, Holly told me," said Lister. "You're alright. There's nothing to be ashamed of. No one here is gonna judge you."

"I know that, but my parents are! I've failed them!" he cried.

"Rimmer! Look at me! They're dead!" exclaimed Lister. "They're dead and they were prejudiced, homophobic, arrogant arseholes! They had no right to make you feel this way, Rimmer, no right!"

Rimmer sniffled and nodded. It felt nice to have Lister standing up to his parents for him like that. Saying all the things he wished he could say. "You're right," he sighed. "I just don't know if I can handle this. It would change my whole life, my whole being! Am I really gay?"

"Well, if you're still confused I know a way to tell for sure," said Holly.

Rimmer looked up to the screen hopefully. "Really? You do?"

"Yeah," said the computer casually. Suddenly, her face vanished from the screen and was replaced by two quite provocative pictures of a naked man and a naked woman. "Which one are you more attracted to?"

Rimmer, Lister, and Kryten all gasped and blushed at the unexpected images. "Holly!" exclaimed Lister. "He doesn't want to see that right now!"

Holly sighed and took down the pictures. "Alright, don't yell at me. I was only trying to help."

"The man," said Rimmer quietly, blushing and staring at the ground.

"Were you attracted to the woman at all?" wondered Holly.

Rimmer thought about it for a second. "No, not really." He sighed and hung his head, feeling his panic attack gradually receding but still there. "I don't feel very well."

"Come on, man, let's go back to bed. We can talk about this more in the morning if you need to," said Lister standing up. Rimmer nodded weakly and followed Lister down the corridor and back towards the officers' quarters.

As they walked in silence, Rimmer began to feel a bit more comfortable. He hadn't expected Lister to be so sympathetic and so caring. He hadn't expected Lister to give a smeg about him at all. It felt good to know that someone cared about him, no matter what his sexuality. When they reached their room, they both sat down on the bottom bunk. "Are you gonna be alright?" Lister asked.

"Yes… I think so," replied Rimmer, sounding completely exhausted.

"Good," said Lister as he laid down, feeling pretty exhausted himself. "You know, if it makes you feel any better, I'd be lying if I said I was completely straight."

Rimmer was a bit shocked to hear that. He'd never seen Lister take any interest in men while he had seen him take plenty of interest in women. "Really?" he asked. "So you're bisexual then?"

"Well… I don't know if I'd exactly say that."

Rimmer looked confused and laid down too, forgetting that the bottom bunk was no longer his bed.

"Have you ever heard of the Kinsey scale?" Lister wondered.

"Isn't that used for earthquakes?" asked Rimmer, crinkling his eyebrows in confusion.

Lister chuckled good-naturedly. "No! That's the Richter scale, you smeghead! The Kinsey scale is used to rate sexuality. This guy, Alfred Kinsey, invented it back in the 20th century because he thought that sexuality wasn't just so simple as being gay, straight or bi. It's more of like a… continuum," he explained. "The scale goes from zero to six. Zero being completely heterosexual and six being completely homosexual. Three is completely bisexual but then you've got all the numbers in-between!"

Rimmer nodded. It made sense to think of sexuality that way. It seemed so much less restrictive and judgmental. "What um number are you?" he wondered, hoping he wasn't prying too much.

"I'd put meself at about a two," said Lister.

The hologram just nodded again. "I like that… the Kinsey scale. It's nice," he decided, feeling himself slipping closer to sleep every second.

"Yeah, me too," said Lister, letting out a small sigh of contentment and closing his eyes.

Rimmer let his eyelids slide shut and thought about all he had experienced in the past hour or so. At first he thought he'd feel so alone if he was anything other than completely straight, but he realized now that he was far from it. Holly was bi and transsexual, Kryten was… well he didn't know what to call a mechanoid who was attracted to men, women, and appliances, but he certainly wasn't straight! Lister was a two, and Cat's picture was in the dictionary under metrosexual and the guy was head over Cuban-heels in love with himself! That had to count for something. Rimmer finally slipped into sleep, comforted by the thought that he was far from alone.

**What did you guys think of that? I've been wanting to write this chapter for so long! Leave me a review :)**


	10. Alone

**This chapter turned out longer and more angsty than I intended... enjoy! **

The next morning was the second time that Lister woke up in bed next to Rimmer. Holly had let them sleep in again because there was no way she was going to make them get up after all that had happened last night. Rimmer deserved to sleep after all he had just been through. Though, Holly wasn't so sure how the hologram would react when he found out he had accidentally fallen asleep in Lister's bed.

Around eleven in the morning, Lister began to stir and Rimmer was gradually pulled from sleep by the sounds of Lister moving around in bed. They opened their eyes at nearly the exact same time and found themselves staring straight at each other. They both lurched backwards in surprise and Dave quickly pulled his limbs out of Rimmer's projection.

"Oh sorry, I must've fallen asleep in your bed again…" he apologized without thinking.

"No, um, actually I fell asleep in your bed. Sorry," realized Rimmer with a blush.

"Oh," said Lister, remembering that they had switched bunks. "It's okay, man. Don't worry about it."

Rimmer just nodded and put his feet over the edge of the bed so he was no longer lying next to Lister.

"How're you feeling?" Lister asked.

"I'm alright," he replied unconvincingly.

"You sure?" asked Lister.

"Yes, I'm sure," he said with a glare that had no real malice behind it.

Lister briefly debated with himself on whether or not he should say the next thing he wanted to say, but after last night, he figured he should at least put it out there. "Hey, if you, um, ever need someone to talk to about something, you can always come to me… well not always, I probably won't be of much help if I'm watching a movie or eating a really good vindaloo… but you know what I mean."

"Why would I want to talk to you about my problems?" Rimmer sneered.

Lister was taken aback. He had seen a much more vulnerable and sensitive side of Rimmer last night, but now it appeared that the man had reverted back to his old snide, defensive ways. He sighed and got out of bed. "Whatever man, just forget it. I'm going to go get some breakfast." Lister left the room quickly, not wanting to let Rimmer see how much he'd hurt his feelings. He didn't even know why he cared that Rimmer was being his typical rude self again. "It's got to be the smegging hormones…" he mumbled to himself.

As soon as Lister had left the room, Rimmer sighed and ran his hands down his face. Why did he always have to be such a jerk to everyone? Lister was being nice to him for once and he had to shoot him down! It was just so hard to accept that anyone would actually care about him, especially Lister. And with Lister being so caring towards him, it was hard to hide the way his holographic heart pounded and his palms got sweaty whenever their eyes met. He just couldn't let Lister see how much he really wanted that. How much he truly wanted to talk to him and be near to him and be cared about. Being an insolent smeghead was his natural defence against emotions that he didn't know how to deal with. He was just like a little kid relentlessly picking on their crush to hide their true desires.

Would he ever work up the courage to tell Lister how he felt about him? Lister had said that he was attracted to men sometimes, but just because he was attracted to men didn't mean he would ever be attracted to a miserable, worthless, failure of a dead man, total smeghead like Arnold Rimmer. And even if Lister, for some impossible reason, liked him back, it wasn't like they could do anything about it. They couldn't even touch let alone kiss or… Rimmer couldn't even let his mind go there. If he started fantasizing about that, then he would just get depressed thinking about how it would never actually happen. No, it would be best if Lister never knew how he felt. He would just have to suck it up and pretend like everything was normal. Smeg, he hoped he could manage that.

When Lister got to the kitchen, he found Kryten already working on his breakfast. He slumped down into one of the chairs and sighed.

"What's wrong, sir?" wondered Kryten as he flipped an egg.

"Ah, Rimmer's just being a smeghead again," Lister explained glumly.

"Well that's nothing new, sir. It's never gotten you down before," pointed out the mechanoid.

"Yeah, I know, but I just kinda thought that after last night he'd be different, y'know? I mean, not a lot different, but I thought he'd at least be a little bit nicer to me. I offered him a shoulder to cry on—figuratively, I told him stuff that most people don't know about me, I let him sleep in my bed for smeg's sake!" exclaimed Lister.

Just as Kryten was about to offer words of consolation, Lister cried out again in surprise and put his hands on his stomach. "Smeg!"

"What is it, sir?" asked Kryten, alarmed.

"I think—I think one of the babies just kicked!" he said with a look of awe on his face.

"My heavens!" exclaimed Kryten.

"Yeah! He just did it again!" said Lister, a smile creeping onto his previously distressed face. "Come feel!"

Lister grabbed Kryten's hand and placed it onto his pregnant belly and they both waited intently for Jim or Bexley to kick again. The mechanoid gasped as he felt a tiny foot kick against his hand. "Oh my! That's extraordinary, Mr. Lister!"

"I know, man! It's smegging awesome! He's gonna be a football player with a kick like that!"

From the corridor just outside the kitchen, Rimmer was watching them, unnoticed. When he saw Lister and Kryten smiling and laughing together, he wished it was him that Lister was being so friendly with. He wished that he could feel Lister's babies kicking. But even if he was physically able to touch Lister's stomach, there was no way the man would let him. Not after he had been such a smeghead that morning. Dejectedly, the hologram sighed and walked back the way he'd come.

"I think you should go down to the medical bay so I can give you your weekly check-up today, sir," said Kryten.

"Yeah, probably," agreed Lister. "But can I have me breakfast first?"

"Of course, sir," the mechanoid smiled. "Fried eggs with horseradish and chutney drizzled in chocolate sauce, just the way you like it!"

"Aw, cheers, man!" Lister grinned as Kryten placed his latest craving down in front of him. The mechanoid didn't know how Lister could so happily scarf down such strange and disgusting combinations of food, but if it made him happy, Kryten was more than willing to cook it for him.

* * *

"Well, sir, everything looks fine," Kryten reported after giving Lister his check-up. "You're perfectly normal for someone who is six months pregnant."

"Six months!" exclaimed Lister.

"Yes, sir," said Kryten.

"How can they be growing that fast? This is terrible! I'm not ready for them yet, Kryten!"

"Oh, sir, I'm sure everything will be just fine!" Kryten assured him.

"Tell me, how long do I have until they're due?"

"Well um, I don't want you to panic, sir, but…"

"Spit it out, Kryten! I can handle it!"

"One week."

"One week? One smegging week!" Lister cried.

"Please, sir, calm down! You don't want to get upset in your condition," the mechanoid warned.

"I can't be ready to be a dad in one week! I don't know how to raise a kid! Let alone two! Smeg, this is going to be a disaster!" He shook his head in disbelief and despair.

Kryten hated seeing Lister so upset and he began to get flustered, wondering what he could do to help. "Oh please don't worry, sir! Do you want me to make you a vindaloo? Would that make you feel better?"

Lister shook his head. "No thanks, Kryten. I just… need some time to think," he said as he got off the examination table and sulked out of the medical bay, heading for his room.

Meanwhile, Rimmer was sulking through the corridors as well. He found Cat sitting in the drive room, filing his nails. The hologram slumped down in a chair on the opposite side of the room and sighed heavily.

Cat glared up at him. "What's up with you? Did you finally realize how ugly you are?"

"No, it's not that," Rimmer sighed.

"Well then can you go be sad somewhere else? You're blocking the view of my reflection in that panel."

"I don't want to go somewhere else, I might bump into Lister," the hologram explained.

"Why don't you want to see monkey-boy?" wondered Cat. He didn't really care about Rimmer's problems, but hey, curiosity killed the cat.

"Because I was a complete and utter smeghead to him this morning and now I'm certain he's mad at me. But I didn't mean to be that awful to him, it just kinda came out. I didn't know what else to say!"

Cat glanced up at Rimmer with a quirked eyebrow. Goal-post head was one strange guy. What made him think he could just come in there and make him be his therapist? Nevertheless, Cat knew that if he didn't give Rimmer at least a little bit of advice that he'd never leave him alone. And he'd give anything for alphabet-head to leave him alone! "Well, why don't you just apologize?" Cat suggested, going back to filing his nails.

Rimmer looked up. "Yes, I should go apologize to him! Thanks, Cat!" he said as he got up and walked off to go find Lister.

"Whatever," Cat replied. "What a weirdo."

* * *

Lister laid down on his bed and put his hands on his stomach to comfort himself and the babies. "Oh, Jim and Bexley," he whispered to them. "I don't know how to be a dad to you. And you haven't got a mum. She abandoned you. She abandoned us. She didn't even care that I might be pregnant with her children! She was glad to get rid of us! I don't know if I can do this by myself!" he confessed to his children as tears began to run down his cheeks. "We're on our own here," he told them miserably. He knew what it felt like to be abandoned; it made him feel sick to think that his children would have to know that pain as well.

As soon as Rimmer entered the room and saw Lister clutching his stomach and crying, the apology that had been on his tongue disappeared from his mind. "Lister! What's wrong?" he asked. "Is everything alright with the babies?"

"They're fine," Lister assured him coldly without looking at him. Why couldn't Rimmer just leave him alone?

"Then why're you crying?" Rimmer asked, concern seeping into his voice no matter how much he tried to stop it.

"Why would I want to talk to you about my problems?" asked Lister, throwing Rimmer's exact words back at him.

Hearing Lister echo his own words from that morning sent a pang of hurt straight through the hologram's heart, he winced and stepped closer. "I'm sorry, Lister. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say that, I just didn't know what else to say. I was being a total smeghead. Can you forgive me?"

Lister sat up and nodded, wiping his eyes and his nose on his sleeve.

"Now, will you tell me what's wrong?" asked Rimmer, sitting down on the bed next to him.

"I don't think I can do it," said Lister, looking down at his pregnant belly. "I can't raise Jim and Bexley on me own! It's hard enough to raise one kid alone, but two? That's just too much for one guy to handle!"

"Lister, you won't have to raise Jim and Bexley on your own," said Rimmer softly.

"I won't?" he asked. "How? I'm a single dad."

"I'll help you. We'll all help you. Me, Kryten, Holly… I don't know if I can speak for the Cat… but we'll help you," Rimmer assured him.

"Really? You'd do that for me?" he asked hopefully.

"Of course! Did you think we'd just go about minding our own business while you were struggling to raise twins?"

"Well… kinda…" Lister admitted.

"No, you're not alone, Listy. And Jim and Bexley won't be alone either. They won't know you as a struggling, lonely, single dad. They won't feel abandoned, I promise. I'll raise these children with you, Lister. You'll never be alone in this," assured Rimmer, his heart pounding from the intimacy of the words he was saying.

"You really mean that?" asked Lister, looking up into Rimmer's eyes for the first time.

Rimmer's breath caught in his throat. Their eyes were locked. When had their faces gotten so close together? "I mean it," said Rimmer, feeling as if he was dropping his whole heart into Lister's hands.

Upon hearing that, Lister felt his heart melt and, as if drawn in by a force beyond his control, he slowly began to lean in towards Rimmer. He felt warm inside and he had never imagined he would feel as close to the other man as he did right then.

Rimmer drew in a shaky breath as he realized what was happening. Hesitantly he began to lean in as well; his eyes were locked with Lister's until Lister dropped his gaze to stare at Rimmer's lips. They were so close now that Rimmer felt he was about to explode with anticipation. Just a few more centimetres and—

"Dave," said Holly, popping up on screen.

Startled, Lister and Rimmer immediately jerked away from each other and stared up at Holly like middle schoolers who had gotten caught making out in the school cafeteria by the vice principal.

"The pictures from your ultrasound are ready for you in the lab," Holly informed him.

"Oh, um, thanks, Hol," said Lister, extremely flustered. Meanwhile Rimmer was turning as red as a tomato.

"I hope I wasn't interrupt anything, was I?" asked Holly, observing their peculiar behaviour.

_Yes! _Rimmer wanted to scream. _Yes, we were just about to have the most fan-smegging-tastic kiss of all time and you ruined it!_ But when he opened his mouth to speak, all that came out was "N—no."

"That's good then," said Holly, disappearing from the screen.

"I guess I had, um, better go get those pictures now…" said Lister awkwardly.

"Uh yes," agreed Rimmer.

Unable to think of anything else to say, Lister got off of his bed and quickly left the room. Smeg! What was that? Had he really just almost kissed Rimmer? His mind began to race as soon as he was in the corridor. And was Rimmer really about to kiss him back, or was he just imagining that? If Rimmer had really wanted to kiss him then why did he let him leave? But then again, if he really wanted to kiss Rimmer then why did he leave?

And more importantly, why did he really want to kiss Rimmer? Sure, Rimmer had been acting a bit caring towards him ever since he had gotten pregnant, but it had never been like that before. The look in his eyes, the sincerity in his voice, it had made Lister feel so warm and loved. But if he had kissed him, Rimmer probably would have just freaked out and ran away and things would have been incredibly awkward for the rest of their lives. Maybe it was a good thing that Holly had interrupted them.

Once Lister was gone, Rimmer started to panic, just a little bit. Had he really just almost kissed Lister? Had Lister really just almost kissed him? Surely Lister didn't want to kiss someone like him! He must have misread the signs. Smeg, how horrible it would have been had he actually kissed the man! He could just picture the look of sheer disgust on Lister's face when their lips met… if their lips even could meet. Rimmer wondered what it felt like to a human to touch the edge of a holographic projection. He would probably have been able to feel something, but nothing like what a real kiss should feel like.

And then Lister would have known how he felt about him, making for an incredibly awkward voyage until one or both of them died. He decided it would be best to never bring this incident up again. Maybe then they could just pretend like nothing ever happened. He hoped to a god he didn't really believe in that things wouldn't be too awkward when they met again.

**Haha, I feel so mean interrupting their kiss like that! Leave me a review :)**


	11. No Interruptions

It had been a few days since the almost-kiss and both Lister and Rimmer had managed to not bring it up and to put it as far out of their minds as possible. They tried to act normal but they both knew that something had changed between them. Whenever they were alone together the atmosphere of the room became tense and awkward, and neither knew what to say to the other.

They exchanged the customary greetings of 'good morning' when they first got up and 'goodnight' when they turned out the light, and engaged in some obligatory banter and small talk while in the presence of others, but they never talked about anything personal, for fear of what might come up.

Lister didn't want to scare Rimmer away any more than he thought he already had and Rimmer didn't want to disgust Lister any more than he thought he already had.

Seeing as there was nothing else to do, Lister, Cat, and Kryten were playing cards while Rimmer, unable to touch the cards, sat and watched, making bets with himself on who would win. Lister put down his cards and rubbed at his back, it had really been killing him during this final week of his pregnancy. Backs weren't meant to carry the weight of two babies 24/7! He grimaced as his rubbing did nothing to ease the ache.

"Is there something wrong, sir?" asked Kryten, ever concerned.

"Ah, just me back. It's still killing me and it's only getting worse," he sighed.

"Would you like me to try to rub it for you, sir? I am not programmed for massage therapy but I could certainly try."

Lister shrugged. It couldn't make it any worse. "Sure, Kryters, knock yourself out."

The mechanoid got up and proceeded to put his hands on Lister's shoulders. He felt awkward as his hands were not warm, soft, nimble, or anything else that would be beneficial in this situation. He feared he didn't have the required amount of fine motor skills for this particular task. Lister tried to relax as Kryten clumsily massaged his aching muscles, but it wasn't helping very much and the mechanoid could tell. "Oh! I'm sorry, sir, a mechanoid's hands just aren't made for this!"

"It's okay, Kryten. Don't worry about it," Lister assured him with a sigh. It was times like these that it was hard to forget that he was the last human alive.

"I'm sure Mr. Cat's hands are dexterous enough to help you," said Kryten, looking at Cat expectantly.

The man in the sharp suit looked up from his cards. "You want me to rub monkey-boy's back? I think I'm late for my nap," he said, holding up his wrist to look at a watch that wasn't there, putting down his cards, and making his escape before he could be guilted into doing something selfless!

"How inconsiderate!" Kryten shook his head crossly.

"It's fine, man, really," Lister insisted. "You did your best and Cat's just Cat, you can't expect much from him."

"I just hate to see you in pain, sir," said Kryten sadly, sitting back down at the table.

"You and me both," grumbled Lister as another wave of pain hit him when he leaned back in his chair.

"I could do it," Rimmer finally spoke up from where he was sitting.

"You what? You'd do that for me?" Lister asked, staring at Rimmer like it was too good to be true. Normally he had to win a bet to get Rimmer to do something like this.

"Why not? It's either that or listen to you complain about your back all day," he said with a teasing grin.

Lister let a genuine smile spread across his face. "Thanks, man."

"Shall we go to the AR suite then?" asked Rimmer.

"Well, it's either that or let your hands go right through me," snarked Lister, standing up from his chair and following the hologram out of the room.

Kryten watched them go with a quizzical look. For a while they had really been getting along, sharing a bed and everything, and then out of nowhere there had been a fumbling tension between them for days. And now this? Something was definitely going on between them, he just couldn't figure out what…

* * *

"Holly, can we have… that game again?" asked Rimmer awkwardly when they arrived in the artificial reality suite.

"What game?" asked Holly. "The one with the zombies or the one with the exploding cars?"

"No, um, Dream Date…" he told her embarrassedly.

"Oh, sure. Gonna go on a date, are you?" she asked suggestively.

The faint flush of pink simulated on Rimmer's cheeks turned into a full on blush. "No! Lister keeps complaining about his back so I'm going to try and fix it for him!"

"Alright, whatever you say, Arnold." She knew there was more to it than just a clinical, platonic massage. After she had told Dave his ultrasound pictures were ready, she was sure she had interrupted something, so she looked back through the black box recording and had seen the almost-kiss. The computer had cursed herself for having such horrible timing. One second later and she would have popped in on a much different scene and she knew everyone on Red Dwarf would be much happier with Rimmer and Lister together. There was far too much sexual tension in the air lately.

Lister put on the AR helmet and sensors while Holly loaded Rimmer into the game. "Ready?" asked the computer.

"Yeah, let's do this," said Lister, closing his eyes as he felt himself being pulled from reality.

They appeared in the world of the video game, once again standing in front of the list of date locations. "So um, the beach again?" Rimmer wondered, about to press on the option.

"I don't know," said Lister, hands on his stomach. "I kinda just want somewhere where I can lay down and relax without worrying about sand and logs and stuff."

"Alrighty then," said Rimmer, turning back to the menu. "Where do you want to go?"

"Can we go to the five-star hotel room?" he asked, wincing slightly at how uncomfortable he knew it would make Rimmer feel.

The hologram's expression dropped and he hesitated to say anything for a second.

"Please, Rimmer?" Lister asked again. "My back's really killing me and I haven't laid on a nice bed in years!"

Rimmer sighed and gave in, trying to hide the frantic pounding of his heart as he thought of the implications. "Oh, alright, if we must."

"Thanks, man," Lister sighed in relief. He knew it would be awkward, but with how much pain he was in, it would be worth it. He hoped.

Without letting himself think too much about what he was doing, Rimmer pressed on the quite descriptive option of 'five-star hotel with sound-proof walls and a king sized bed'.

They then found themselves standing in the threshold of a high-end hotel room with all the amenities, including a very large and inviting bed in the centre of the room. Rimmer gulped. That bed was designed for sex. Anyone else who had ever gone into this section of the video game had undoubtedly had sex. And he was here with Lister, the man he wanted more than anything else in the universe, about to give him a back massage. Smeg.

Rimmer knew it was a bad idea, but he needed it as much as Lister. He needed to touch and to feel. More importantly, he needed Lister. "Let's, um, get this over with, shall we?" asked Rimmer, breaking the heavy silence that had fallen over them as they both stared at the bed.

"Uh, yeah," said Lister, stepping into the room. He sat down on the bed and slipped off his jacket, causing Rimmer's palms to sweat. "This is a pretty fancy place, eh?" he said, looking around.

"Um, yes, very nice, skilfully designed," Rimmer noted walking up to the bed, not quite sure of what to do. He looked to Lister for direction.

"Well, you're not gonna rub me back standing up like that. Sit down, I won't bite," Lister smirked.

The hologram nodded and cautiously situated himself behind Lister, not so close as to seem like a sexual advance, but not so far away as to seem cold. "Where um, where does it hurt the most?" Rimmer asked, praying that Lister wouldn't be able to feel how clammy his hands were through his shirt.

"My lower back. Carrying all that baby weight can really take a toll on you."

"I would imagine so," said Rimmer, carefully moving his hands down to rest at the small of Lister's back. The hologram drew in a sharp breath as he felt the unfamiliar sensation of touch once again. Longing to touch Lister more he began to work at relaxing the sore muscles of Lister's back. It wasn't long before just touching the cloth of Lister's shirt wasn't enough sensation for the touch-deprived hologram. Needing to feel the warmth of skin to skin contact, he slipped his hands under Lister's shirt.

The pregnant man suppressed a gasp upon feeling Rimmer's unexpectedly warm hands on his skin, running up and down his back, massaging the aching muscles with his surprisingly deft fingers. "Oh smegging hell, Rimmer, that feels so good. A little to the left… oh right there, man…" No matter how hard he tried to keep his mouth shut, he could no longer keep from softly moaning in pleasure.

Rimmer gulped as Lister moaned under his touch. If he kept making sounds like that, it would soon become painfully obvious how aroused Rimmer was by the situation. Nonetheless, the hologram tried to contain himself and to focus on the clinical task at hand.

"Oh!" Lister gasped softly and suddenly.

Rimmer stopped his ministrations. "Sorry, did I hurt you?" he asked.

"What? Oh, no, the babies are kicking is all," Lister explained, putting his hands on his stomach.

"Ah," said Rimmer, his heart beginning to thump nervously again. He knew if he didn't ask now, while he had physical presence, he would probably never get the chance again. "Could I, um, feel?" he asked timidly.

"Yeah, of course, man. You are gonna be their Uncle Arnie after all," smiled Lister.

Rimmer blushed as he moved his hands from Lister's back and brought them around to rest on the man's large pregnant belly. To Lister, it felt much more intimate than when Kryten or the Cat would touch his stomach while standing in front of him. This was much more like an embrace from behind, which can be even more intimate than normal hugs from the front.

The pair sat like that in silence for a few moments, just waiting for Jim or Bexley to kick again. Just as he was about to give up and remove his hands, Rimmer felt slight movement from inside of Lister.

"Did you feel that?" Lister asked.

"Yes," replied Rimmer. "And again! It's so odd… yet also quite… marvellous," he remarked.

"I know, it's even weirder when it's happening inside of you," Lister told him.

"I should think so," said Rimmer. Almost unconsciously he began to move his hands along Lister's belly, savouring the feeling of the man's soft skin under his fingers. He made his way to Lister's sides and slowly rubbed up and down a few times before placing his hands on the man's hips and massaging them in a circular motion.

Lister let out a shaky sigh as he melted into Rimmer's touch. This felt even better than the back massage if that was possible. He shivered as he could feel Rimmer's breath against the back of his neck and soon he leaned into the man, his head coming to rest on Rimmer's chest. From there he could tell that the hologram's simulated heartbeat was much faster than would be normal and he thought he might have an idea why. Though the prospect of broaching the topic made Lister's heart pound as well, he knew if he didn't bring it up then, he probably never would.

"Hey, Arnold," he began.

"Yes?" asked Rimmer, still running his hands over Lister's hips and sides, wondering if Lister was going to ask him what the smeg he was doing that for. To be honest, Rimmer didn't know what he was doing or why he was doing it, it had just… felt right.

"A few days back, before Holly interrupted us… were you about to kiss me?" Lister asked.

Rimmer froze and Lister could hear the hologram's heartbeat go into overdrive. There were many things Rimmer wanted to do in that moment. He wanted to run away and hide somewhere where no one would ever find him; he wanted to vehemently deny it; he wanted to have a major panic attack right there; he wanted to pretend to be clueless; but he knew he'd regret it for the rest of his existence if he did any of those things. Gathering every last shred of courage he had in him, he squeaked out "Yes, I'm sorry!" and winced as if he expected Lister to yell at him or punch him.

Lister sat up and turned around to face the hologram. "Hey, it's okay, man. I was gonna kiss you too," he assured him.

Rimmer opened his eyes. "You—you were?"

"Yeah, I was… what do you say we try it again, no interruptions this time?" he asked softly.

All Rimmer could do was stare at Lister and nod vigorously. Lister drew in a breath before placing his hands on the other man's pink cheeks, slowly leaning in, and pressing his lips to Rimmer's.

They kissed softly for a few seconds before pulling apart, both breathing heavily. Rimmer closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the headboard. "Oh, Listy," he breathed.

"Arnold," said Lister affectionately, kissing his forehead and hoping that the man wasn't about to have another panic attack.

"Why?" Rimmer asked abruptly, looking Lister in the eyes.

"Why what?" asked Lister, confused.

"Why did you want to kiss me? What could someone like you possibly see in a guy like me?"

"Rimmer, you've got to stop being so hard on yourself," Lister told him. "Ever since I've been pregnant you've always been there for me. You tried to get me healthy, you put up with me being a hormonal emotional mess, you were willing to rub my feet and try and fix my back, you let me sleep in your bed, you risked your own life to try and save me back when that alien was trying to eat us! No one's ever done anything like that for me before. And that night when you um… came out, I got to see a side of you that you don't let most people see. The part of you that's vulnerable and real. Seeing that really made me start to think differently about you. And then when told me you'd raise Jim and Bexley with me, I'd never felt more cared about in my entire life. So of course I want to kiss you. I know it sounds cheesy, but, I don't know what I'd do without you."

Rimmer couldn't think of a time when he had ever been complimented so much in his life. He knew he should say something in return rather than just sit there and stare like a gimboid, but it was hard to think of something to say when someone had just spilled their heart out to you. "I do care about you, Dave," Rimmer finally said. "I care about you more than I've ever cared about anyone."

"Oh, Arnold. I care about you so much," said Lister before going in for another, more passionate kiss.

Rimmer was a bit caught off guard when he felt Lister's tongue slip into his mouth. He wasn't exactly who you would call the universe's most experienced kisser, and now with Lister practically sitting in his lap, kissing him fervently, he didn't quite know what to do. He tried his best to reciprocate but soon had to pull away.

When Lister looked into the other man's eyes he could see anxiety building in their depths. In the heat of the moment he had forgotten that Rimmer was inexperienced, had a generally nervous and insecure disposition, and was most likely still coming to terms with his sexuality. "Too much too soon?" Lister asked.

Rimmer nodded. "A bit."

"Sorry, I got a little carried away," Lister blushed.

"Don't apologize; this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. It's just all a bit sudden."

"We can take it slow if you want," Lister told him. "It's probably for the best. I don't know how you could want me in my condition. Seven months pregnant and all."

Rimmer almost laughed. "You don't know how I could want you in your condition? I don't know how _you _could want _me_ in _my _condition!"

Lister frowned and gave Rimmer a once-over. "What's wrong with you?"

"I'm dead!" Rimmer exclaimed. "This is practically necrophilia!"

Lister's brow crinkled in disgust. "Don't be gross, man. You're a hologram, not a corpse!"

Rimmer sighed. "I know, but we can't even touch each other outside of artificial reality!"

"And that doesn't make me care about you any less," Lister promised, kissing him chastely on the lips.

This time the sigh that escaped the hologram's lips was one of contentment. "I'm not ready to go back to the real world yet," he murmured.

"Well that's good," said Lister. "You haven't finished with me back rub!" The pregnant man grinned teasingly.

"Oh, I almost forgot about that!" admitted Rimmer. He then wrapped his arms around Lister and gently pulled him down so they were facing each other, both laying on their sides. From there he once again began to knead at the muscles of Lister's lower back. The smaller man moaned at the touch and Rimmer quirked a smile. He could be content with artificial reality for a long time.

**Finally got to the actual slash! Though I was very much enjoying writing the pre-slash! **

**Reviews, anyone? :)**


	12. Like Boyfriends

After Rimmer had massaged Lister into a half-asleep putty, they laid together in comfortable silence, lazily exchanging kisses and enjoying each other's warmth and presence.

Lister shifted on the bed and reached up to give Rimmer another kiss. As much as he didn't want to disturb the perfect moment, he had to admit that he was getting quite hungry. He was eating for three after all. "How long have we been in here?" he asked quietly.

"Hmm?" responded Rimmer who had been blissfully day dreaming. "Oh um," he glanced at his watch. "Three hours."

Lister smiled. "I could stay in here all day with you, man, but we should probably leave soon. We might miss dinner!"

Rimmer chuckled. "Are you ever not thinking about food, Listy?"

"It's not me! It's Jim and Bexley!" he protested.

"If you say so," said Rimmer. "But before we go, I have to know one thing. Where does this leave us? Are we… together now? Like a couple, like boyfriends?" he asked, his face growing hot as he averted his eyes.

Lister had to smile at that; Rimmer was so smegging adorable when he got embarrassed. "Yeah, we're together now. I mean, if you want to be."

"Of course I do!" exclaimed Rimmer. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Just making sure we're not moving too fast for you," Lister told him.

"No, this is… perfect," the hologram decided.

"Good," said Lister, wrapping the other man in his embrace once again. "You ready to go now?" he asked as his stomach growled in hunger.

"As I'll ever be. Holly!" he called out.

The computer's face appeared on the large TV screen across from the bed. "You ready to come out yet? You've been in there for hours!"

"Sorry, Hol," said Lister. "We kinda… lost track of time."

"Want me to pull you out, Arn?" she asked.

"Yes, I suppose," he replied.

"Wait!" cried Lister, suddenly processing that once they were outside of artificial reality, he wouldn't be able to physically touch Rimmer anymore. "Just one more kiss first?" he asked quietly.

The hologram glanced up at the floating head. "But Holly will see!" he hissed self-consciously.

"Oh, don't mind me," said Holly. "I've already seen plenty of that."

"What do you mean? Have you been spying on us this whole time?" Lister's brow crinkled.

"Well not the _whole _time," said Holly. "Oi, don't look at me like that! It's not like there's anything better to do around here!"

Lister sighed and shook his head. "Whatever, Hol. Just give us some privacy in the future, for smeg's sake!"

Rimmer was about to say how violated he felt being spied on by a computer like that, but he was stopped by the feeling of Lister's lips against his. As he melted into the kiss he completely forgot about his anger towards Holly and was only focused on the warm feeling in his stomach from Lister.

The pregnant man soon pulled away and nodded at Rimmer. They would be back in AR soon enough, he was sure.

"Holly, take me out," instructed Rimmer. And the next instant he was standing back in the AR suite next to Lister who was removing his helmet and sensors. As soon as Lister pulled the helmet off from over his face, he locked eyes with Rimmer. "That really happened, right?" clarified the hologram. "That wasn't just some weird computer simulation designed to make me think we… got together?"

Lister smiled at him. "Nah, man, it was real," he assured him, taking a step closer and giving him an affectionate look.

An odd look came across Rimmer's face as if something had just occurred to him. "What do we do about the Cat and Kryten?" he asked in a slightly anxious voice. "Do we tell them?"

"I don't have any problem with them knowing if you don't," Lister told him.

"I don't mind if they know," said Rimmer. "I just didn't know if you would…"

"I'm not ashamed of us, Arnold. I don't want to have to hide it," he assured him.

"But won't the others give you smeg for being… involved with me?"

"Yeah, probably, but I don't care what they think. If they don't like it, that's their problem."

"How do we, um, tell them?" the hologram wondered.

"Well, I don't think we have to run out there holding hands, throwing flowers, and shouting it at the top of our lungs. We just carry on like normal; they'll catch on soon enough. And then when they ask, we just tell them we're together."

Rimmer nodded apprehensively.

"Everything's gonna be okay, Arn," Lister reassured him. "Let's go."

Rimmer followed Lister out of the AR suite and back through the halls where they ran into Kryten. "Oh, there you are, sirs, I was just about to go looking for you. You've been gone for hours!"

"Yeah, time just flies by in those artificial reality games, you know," said Lister, knowing that Rimmer wouldn't appreciate him telling Kryten that they'd been cuddling and kissing for half the time. "Have you got dinner ready? I'm starved!"

"Yes, sir, I thought you might be. I've made chicken vindaloo and a nutritious salad for you tonight."

"Brutal, thanks, Krytes!" Just a few hours ago, Lister had thought that once he gave birth to the twins, he would never touch a vegetable ever again, but now that he was with Rimmer, maybe he would put more effort into trying to get fit and healthy. Maybe he'd even try to find some clothes with less custard stains on them.

Rimmer followed Lister into the kitchen where the Cat was already halfway through with his fish. Lister sat down at seat where Kryten had placed his vindaloo and Rimmer awkwardly pulled up the chair next to him. Then, Lister moved his chair a bit to the side so that if Rimmer had been solid, their legs would have been touching under the table. The hologram glanced up at Cat nervously; it was only a matter of time before he noticed. The feline, however, was far too engrossed in his meal to even acknowledge that the others had joined him at the table. The hologram and the human sat in silence, both waiting for Cat to notice them so they could get it off of their chests.

With his super sharp senses, the Cat could tell that they were there and could also sense that he was being looked at with two sets of eyes. Finally, he glared up at them. "What? Do I have something on my suit?" He quickly looked down to make sure he hadn't spilled any food on the colourful article of clothing. Seeing as it was clean, he then looked up again and noticed something peculiar. "Hey, why'd you bring Goal-Post Head to dinner? And why're you sitting so close together?"

"Why wouldn't I bring him to dinner?" asked Lister casually.

"Because nobody likes him!"

Rimmer winced inwardly. No matter how often he heard remarks like that coming from the Cat, it still hurt nonetheless.

"No, I wouldn't say that," Lister shook his head. "Because I like him."

"You do?" the Cat stopped eating and looked up with a shocked and confused expression.

"Yeah, I like him a lot," Lister grinned, carefully placing his arm around Rimmer's projection without going through him. Rimmer found himself blushing an embarrassing shade of red.

Cat shook his head and went back to his food. "Buddy, if you keep acting like that, people are going to think you and Alphabet-Head are a couple!"

"Hey, he figured that out pretty fast, didn't he, Arn?" Lister leaned back in his chair to gauge Cat's reaction.

Cat froze. "Wait a second. You mean to say that you're _going out_ with Grand Canyon Nostrils over here?" he cried, making wild gestures towards Rimmer.

"That's exactly what I'm saying," Lister told him.

For a second, it looked like Cat's head was going to explode. He then grabbed his plate and abruptly stood up from the table. "This is just too weird for me! Have fun on your dinner date!" he said and then all but ran out into the hallway.

"Well, that certainly could have gone better," said Rimmer.

"Eh, don't take it too personally, you know how Cat is. He just needs a bit of time to wrap his head around it is all. I'm sure he'll come around."

"At least we're alone now," the hologram remarked.

No sooner had the words left his holographic lips than Kryten entered the room looking slightly dazed. "Mr. Cat just ran past me faster than if he were on his way to a buy-one-get-one-free shoe sale! What happened?"

"Aw, he just found out me and Rimmer are dating now," explained Lister. "He'll get over it."

The mechanoid stared at them and blinked. He knew something was going on between them, he just knew it! "You are? Well… um… congratulations, sirs," he said, not knowing what else to say.

Lister cracked a half-smile, appreciating Kryten's attempt to not look too surprised. "Thanks, Kryters."

"You're welcome, sir." With that, the mechanoid decided it would be best to leave the new couple alone. Good for them, he thought to himself. Maybe now Mr. Rimmer wouldn't be such a smeee-heee.

"Hey, I'm gonna go talk to Cat, okay?" said Lister. "He'll probably be more reasonable if you're not around, you know."

Rimmer nodded. "Probably. Or you could just let him avoid us and wander around the cargo decks for the rest of his life."

Lister chuckled as he got up. "You know I can't do that, man. I'll be back soon." He almost leaned in to give Rimmer a quick kiss goodbye before remembering that he was a hologram. Instead he just smiled awkwardly, took his vindaloo, and went off in search of Cat.

Sighing, Rimmer got up from the table. He would have to figure out some way to kiss and touch Lister outside of artificial reality. Maybe the edge of his projection would provide just enough sensation to work. He decided they would have to try it later that night.

With nothing else to do, the hologram went out into the hall where he found Kryten mopping the floors. "Oh, hello, sir. I just thought I'd get some mopping in before I did the dinner dishes," he explained cheerily.

"Ah, yes," said Rimmer. He liked organization but he could never understand how someone could be so happy just from cleaning. "This isn't going to be awkward for you, is it? Me dating Lister?" he wondered.

"Of course not, sir!" said Kryten. "Why would it be?"

"Well, I remember a little while back you said that you were attracted to him," Rimmer recalled.

"Oh, that," said Kryten. "On the contrary, sir, I'm quite happy for you."

"You are?"

"Yes. You see, because I care about Mr. Lister so much, I know that you are exactly what he needs right now," explained Kryten.

"I am?"

"Yes. I've noticed that Mr. Lister's pregnancy and the circumstances of it have made him quite vulnerable. He needs you to take care of him and love him. Now, I have no idea why he would have fallen for someone as snide and neurotic as you, but he has, so I wish you the best of luck."

"Um, thanks," said Rimmer, wondering if he should be offended or not.

"Just one more thing, sir," said the mechanoid.

"What's that?"

"Please, try not to break his heart. I would just hate to see him hurt."

Rimmer nodded. "I won't."

"Good."

The robot went back to mopping and Rimmer walked back to the bunkroom. He knew he would never do anything to break Lister's heart. He just hoped Lister would do the same for him.

* * *

Dave found the Cat sitting in a bunkroom where the feline sometimes slept, finishing his fish by himself. The human knocked on the doorframe. "Can I come in, man?"

Cat shrugged. "Sure. One question though?"

"What's that?" asked Lister, sitting down on the bed opposite from Cat's.

"What the hell are you doing going out with Rimmer? I thought you hated the guy!"

"I never really hated him," admitted Lister. "And over the past few months, I've gotten to like him. He's really not that bad once you get to know him. Sure, he can be a snide, annoying, smeghead sometimes, but that's just how he acts. He's actually really sweet on the inside." By this point he was looking at his boots embarrassedly.

"We are talking about the same guy here, right?" clarified Cat. "Arnold, tall, pale, crazy hair, giant H on his forehead, horrible sense of style, nostrils like railroad tunnels, Rimmer?"

"That's the one," said Lister. "Look, I know you don't like him, but I don't want this to affect our friendship, okay?"

Cat scoffed. "Please, bud, I don't care who you want to shag, as long as it's not me. I just can't believe anyone would want to be with Alphabet-Head. Just as long as you don't go making out with him in front of me or telling me all the details, I don't care."

Lister smiled in relief. "Thanks, man. I'll leave you alone now."

"Whatever," shrugged Cat as Lister left. "Why are these monkeys all such weirdos?"


	13. Smegging Cute

When Lister got through talking with the Cat, he first made his way back to the kitchen to see if Rimmer was waiting for him there. Upon only finding Kryten washing the dishes, Lister went back to their bunkroom to see if the hologram had gone there. His guess proved right and he found Rimmer sitting up on the top bunk reading a holo-book, or at least pretending to.

"Hey," he said as he walked in. "Hope I wasn't gone too long."

"Oh, no, not at all," Rimmer replied, quickly putting down the book which he had only been holding to make it look like he hadn't been just sitting around waiting for Lister to return. Before Lister could speak again, Rimmer got down off the bunk and moved to stand in front of him. "Listy, there's something I want to try," he said with an apprehensive edge to his voice.

"Yeah, what's that?" wondered the other man.

Taking another step closer, Rimmer tilted his head down tentatively to close the gap between them. His heart was pounding nervously not just because of the impending kiss, but because he knew that if this didn't work, his relationship with Lister would be much more difficult.

It took Lister a second to realize what Rimmer was trying to do. He then angled his head upward, kept his eyes opened, and hoped to god that he would be able to feel their lips meet.

It wasn't much, but it was there alright. Lister jumped slightly as he felt a faint tingling sensation brush against his lips. It was like nothing he had ever felt before but it was by no means unpleasant. He closed his eyes and began to kiss back, wondering if Rimmer could feel him too.

When his lips touched Lister's, Rimmer felt a sensation not unlike when someone went through his projection except it actually felt good. He could feel tiny bits of sensation where Lister was touching the edge of his projection with his lips. Even in the kiss, he couldn't stop a smile from spreading across his face. This just might work out after all.

After another second, Rimmer pulled away and looked hopefully at Lister. "Did it work?" he asked. "Did you feel anything?"

"Yeah, kinda like a warm tingly electrical feeling," Lister told him. "It was actually kinda nice. Did you feel anything?"

Rimmer nodded. "Yes, it was odd; I don't quite know how to describe it. Sort of like a… presence. But it did feel good. Mostly because I knew it was you," he admitted.

Lister grinned at that. "So we can kiss outside of AR. That's great, man!"

"It's more than great," said Rimmer. "I would have gone mad if I couldn't kiss you in reality."

"Me too," said Lister. "I wonder what else we can do in reality…" Experimentally, he reached out and slowly ran his fingers along the edge of Rimmer's projection, relishing the soft tingle and the way it made the hologram close his eyes and shudder in pleasure. Lister continued up the length of Rimmer's arm, over his shoulder, and then ran his fingers along his neck.

"Oh, Listy…" Rimmer breathed out.

"Arnold," Lister moved his fingers up from Rimmer's neck, across his jaw line, and then to his cheek which he caressed softly.

"Dave…" No one had ever touched him like this before. No one had ever made him feel so wanted or so precious.

Smiling softly with a light in his eyes, Lister leaned in and placed his lips to Rimmer's once more. As they kissed, Dave brought one of his hands to trace along the hologram's projection and come to rest at the small of his back. After a few more seconds, he pulled back and opened his eyes. "How was that?" he asked.

"That was incredible," Rimmer told him. "We definitely need to do that more often."

Lister chuckled and tried to fight off a yawn but was unsuccessful. "I'm sorry, I'm not bored with you, honest. I'm just really tired lately." He put his hands on his very pregnant belly for explanation. "Kryten and Holly think they could come at any time now. I think I really should be getting to sleep soon."

"Yes, of course, you need your sleep. And I should probably get to bed too, especially since as soon as Jim and Bexley are born, neither of us will be getting any sleep for quite some time."

"We can always get Kryten to babysit for us. I'm sure he'll be more than happy," said Lister, sitting down on the edge of the bed and starting to unlace his boots. It made his stomach flip pleasantly to hear Rimmer say things that made it sound like Jim and Bexley were going to be _their _children. He knew it was weird to think like that after being together for not even a day, but it just felt good to know that he wasn't on his own. Besides, he and Rimmer had been together for years, just not in the romantic sense until now.

His boots successfully removed, Lister peeled off his socks and began unbuttoning his trousers. Rimmer suddenly felt quite embarrassed. Blushing, he averted his eyes, not knowing what was expected of him now that they were together.

Looking up at Rimmer, Lister had to chuckle. "You're so smegging cute, man," he laughed fondly. "You can look if you want to, I don't care."

"Erm… thanks," replied the hologram awkwardly, looking up from the floor and glancing over at Lister whose trousers were now tossed carelessly to the ground.

"You just gonna stand there and watch me or are you gonna change too?" Lister asked as he pulled off his shirt, revealing just how heavily pregnant he really was.

"Oh, yes," said Rimmer, trying not to stare. "Holly, get me ready for bed," he instructed.

"Alright, Arnold," said Holly, changing his clothes in an instant.

The hologram's first clue that something was amiss was that Lister burst out laughing. _What did that gimboid of a computer do to me now?_ He wondered. Frowning, he looked down and saw that he was clad in a pink nightgown. "Holly!" he shouted angrily, nostrils flaring. "I wanted _my_ pajamas, not Hermann Goering's!"

The computer sighed. "I was just trying to make you look cute!" Conceding, she changed him into his regular light blue pajamas.

"I think he looks cute no matter what he wears, don't you, Hol?" Lister asked, purposely trying to make Rimmer blush.

The computer couldn't exactly shrug since she was only a floating head, but Lister could tell by her facial expression that she was shrugging. "Yeah, sometimes. He's not really my type though."

"Whatever, Holly, just go to sleep," said Lister. Even though she was senile and practically useless, Holly certainly did keep things interesting.

With that, her face was gone from the screen and Rimmer and Lister were left alone in their room. Rimmer's gaze shifted uncertainly from the empty top bunk to the bottom bunk where Lister currently laid, stretched out on top of the covers in his boxers and a t-shirt. Rimmer knew it would be incredibly presumptuous of him to just assume he could crawl into Lister's bed. On the other hand, it might seem cold to just leave Lister all alone after all they had been through that day.

Seeing Rimmer's indecision and unease, Lister decided to help him out a bit. "Hey, Arn, you can sleep in my bed if you want," he said. "I mean, it's not like we haven't done it before."

"You really want me to sleep in your bed with you?" he asked, not used to being wanted.

"Yeah, as long as you don't think it's too soon for that," replied Lister.

"No, I—I'd love to," said Rimmer.

Grinning, Lister quickly slipped under the covers and scooted over to allow Rimmer room to lie down. Even in the officers' quarters, the bunks were still a bit small for two people and they had to cuddle up close together to fit; not that either of them really minded.

Lister closed his eyes and smiled in contentment as he felt the small amount of heat that Rimmer put off radiate into him and the soft tingling wherever his skin happened to touch the other man's projection. He could also hear the faint whir of Rimmer's lightbee, which he had never been close enough to hear before. "Goodnight, Arnold," he said, pressing a light kiss against his cheek.

Rimmer's heart fluttered at the tenderness of the gesture. "Goodnight, Dave," he murmured as he closed his eyes, feeling more content than he had in a very long time.


	14. Various Cuts of Meat

"Smeg!"

Lister was torn from his contented sleep by a sharp pain shooting through his abdomen. Labour pains? Nah, it couldn't be. Clutching his stomach he assured himself that it was just the babies kicking harder than usual. There was just no way it was time for them to be born already.

He rolled onto his other side and came face to face with the soundly sleeping hologram. It surprised him for a second but then the events of the previous day came flooding back to him and he cracked a small smile. It was odd to see Rimmer in bed with him like they were lovers, but that didn't lessen the comfort that the other man's presence gave him.

Just as Lister relaxed and closed his eyes again, another wave of pain went through him. He gasped and cried out, biting his lip and desperately grabbing onto his stomach. This woke Rimmer who quickly sat up in bed and looked down at Lister, writhing in pain.

"Lister! What's wrong?" he asked, panic evident in his voice.

"Rimmer! The babies, oh smeg, I think it's time!" he gritted out.

"Oh! Oh God! What do we do?" cried Rimmer.

"Erm… Get Kryten!"

"Yes, right, Kryten! Uh, stay there; I'll be right back!" the hologram assured him before pelting down the corridor yelling "Kryten! It's happening! Kryten!"

"What's happening, sir?" asked Kryten, coming to see what all the frantic yelling was about.

"Lister! He's going into labour! We need to get him to the medi-bay now!" panted Rimmer, exhausted from running and panic.

"Oh my!" gasped Kryten and quickly followed Rimmer back to the bunkroom. "Don't worry, Mr. Lister, sir. I'll get those babies out of you in no time!" the mechanoid assured, stooping down to the bottom bunk and scooping Lister up into his arms.

"Thanks, Krytes," Lister managed as Kryten carried him down the corridor as quickly as he could.

Rimmer followed close behind. Never before in his hologramatic life had he wanted a body more than he did in that moment. More than anything he wanted to be able to pick Lister up in his arms and rush him to the medi-bay, but instead he just had to watch helplessly as that metallic git did it. He hated feeling so useless!

"Hey, what's going on out here?" asked Cat, coming out into the hallway to see what had disturbed him from his beauty sleep. "Is Monkey-Boy having his kittens?"

Rimmer turned to glare at Cat who had fallen into step next to him. "Yes, Lister is in labour. We're going down to the medi-bay so Kryten can perform a caesarean section on him."

"A what?" asked Cat, his perfectly plucked eyebrows crinkling in confusion.

Rimmer groaned in exasperation. "He's going to cut him open and take the babies out!"

"Oh! Why didn't you just say so in the first place?" wondered Cat.

Shaking his head, Rimmer decided to ignore the annoying feline and quickened his pace to keep up with Kryten and Lister.

Soon they found themselves in the medical bay and Kryten carefully laid the moaning Lister down on the bed. "D'you got any pain killers, Kryten?" he hissed.

"Yes, sir, I'm getting the regional anaesthetic now," said the mechanoid, trying to keep his voice in clinical mode. It was hard for him not to go into panic mode when he was about to cut open the person he cared about most in the universe. He fumbled around in the cabinet for the right medicine and then quickly injected it into Lister. "There you go, sir. In a few seconds you shouldn't be able to feel a thing. I'll go prepare for the procedure."

The pregnant man winced as Kryten walked away from his side. In that moment he didn't know if he really wanted to trust a robot to perform such a delicate life or death operation, but he supposed he didn't really have a choice. Unless he wanted to let the Cat have a go at it.

"How are you feeling?" asked Rimmer, wringing his hands nervously.

"Still hurts like smegging hell," said Lister. "But I think it's getting better." He closed his eyes tightly and cried out through clenched teeth as another wave of pain hit him. "Ooh, I think they're getting claustrophobic in there; I don't blame 'em. Where the smeg's Kryten?"

"Kryten!" Rimmer called out. "Hurry up and do this before the babies rip Lister open from the inside like something out of _Alien_!"

Cat's face crinkled up in disgust. "That could happen? I wouldn't have worn my nice silk pajamas had I known I could be getting monkey guts on them!"

"They're not going to rip me open," said Lister. "…I hope... Kryten!"

The anxious mechanoid came back from sanitizing himself with a scalpel in hand. "All ready, sir."

"Are you absolutely certain you know what you're doing?" Rimmer asked one last time.

"I assure you, sir, I know exactly what I'm doing. I've been practicing on various cuts of meat for weeks," said Kryten. Rimmer and Lister could have been concerned by that last statement but both decided to try and be comforted by it instead.

"Are you ready, sir? I'm going to make the incision now," reported Kryten.

Lister nodded. "It's not like I've got a smegging choice. Just do it!"

As Kryten began to move carefully towards Lister's stomach, Lister looked up into Rimmer's eyes which were full of as much fear and anxiety as his own. Instinctively he reached out and tried to grab onto Rimmer's hand, but just ended up with an empty fist.

Rimmer felt immediately guilty, knowing that Lister needed someone to hold onto and that he couldn't provide that for him. Looking quickly from side to side, Rimmer saw the Cat standing next to him. "I'm sorry. Here, hold the Cat's hand. Just pretend it's mine and squeeze it as hard as you can!" the hologram offered, gesturing to Cat's hand.

This earned him a glare from the Cat. "Hey! What if I don't want him to squeeze my hand? He might break a nail!"

But it was too late and Lister already had a death grip on Cat's hand whilst still looking into the hologram's eyes, doing his best to pretend it was Rimmer's hand he was holding.

As Kryten made the incision, Rimmer couldn't help but look, and then quickly wished he hadn't. He never had been able to handle the sight of blood. Even though he wasn't able to stop himself from gagging, he was very grateful that holograms couldn't actually throw up.

"The first baby, sirs," announced Kryten, holding him out to Cat, seeing as he was the only one who could hold the baby.

"You want me to hold _that_?" asked Cat incredulously. "That's worse than holding Lister's hand!"

"He's me son; hold him!" Lister practically growled.

"Alright, alright!" said Cat, gingerly taking the tiny version of Lister and wrapping him a blanket.

Kryten then delivered the other baby and handed it off to Cat as well.

"I would hold them if I could, Dave," said Rimmer, having recovered enough to talk. He was fine as long as he only looked at Lister's face.

"I know, man," nodded Lister as Kryten began stitching him up. "Cat, bring 'em over here. I wanna seem 'em," he said weakly.

Cat moved so he was standing where Lister could see his sons bundled up in his arms, both crying a little bit but nothing ear-splitting. Who wouldn't cry after being suddenly ripped from the warm, dark, cozy, comfort of the womb and thrown into the cold, harsh, reality of the world?

"Oh, they're beautiful," whispered Dave. "I can't believe it. Those are _my _kids, man! My Jim and Bexley! Let me hold 'em."

"Don't know if I'd say they're beautiful, but they're certainly yours," said Cat as he carefully handed Lister his first born son.

"Hi, Jim," Lister whispered to the tiny baby.

"You're naming them?" asked Cat. "How can you even tell them apart?"

"I'll be able to tell 'em apart!" insisted Lister. "Jim was born first, he's a bit bigger and he has more hair."

"Whatever. I'm just gonna call them both 'annoying'. I never did like kids," Cat grimaced.

"Alright, sir. You're all stitched up," announced Kryten. "Just take it easy for a few days and you should be absolutely fine."

"Thanks, Kryters," said Lister. "I really mean it. If Rimmer had tried to do that with the skutters I'd be bleeding out right now… No offense, Arnold."

"None taken. Those skutters can't cut open a squash without spilling the guts. I'd never trust them with you, Jim, and Bexley," said Rimmer.

"Thanks for being here for me, Arn," Dave smiled up at him.

"Of course, Listy. I wouldn't have missed this for the world," the hologram replied.

"Ugh, get a room!" groaned Cat. "Take your kitten; I'm going back to bed!" With that, he put Bexley next to his brother in Lister's arms and scampered out of the medi-bay.

Kryten helped Lister to sit up in the bed as they all watched Cat leave. "Do you need anything, sir?" the mechanoid asked.

"Nah, I'm fine," said Lister, looking from his newborn sons to his new boyfriend. It was amazing how quickly one's life could change.

"I'm going to go clean up," said Kryten. "If you need anything at all, sir, just call me."

Lister nodded and watched with contented silence as the mechanoid walked away to go sanitize the medical equipment. "I just can't believe it, man," he murmured to Rimmer. "I'm a dad. I have sons."

"You'd better believe it, Listy. We're going to be stuck with them for quite some time," said Rimmer.

Looking back up, Lister locked eyes with the hologram. "You still mean it? We're really in this together?"

"Of course. I mean, I don't know how much help I'll be, being a hologram, but I'm here for you, Dave. And for them."

The new dad let out a sigh of contentment and relief. Even though he hadn't gone through the strain of actually giving birth, he was still quite exhausted. "I just want to go back to sleep," he muttered. His eyes were just on the brink of closing when suddenly he remembered something. "Oh smeg!"

"What? What's wrong?" asked Rimmer, startled by the sudden outburst.

"The future echo!" exclaimed Lister.

"Yes, what about it?"

"I have to go show me in the present to me in past or else it won't will have going to have happened!"

Rimmer tried to pretend that the last part of Lister's sentence made sense. "Well how do you know when you have to do that?" he wondered.

"I don't know. I guess whatever time I choose to do it is right or else it wouldn't have going to have been happened, would it?"

"Um… I suppose so," said Rimmer, his face scrunching up in confusion.

"What was I wearing when we saw me?" Lister asked.

"How am I supposed to remember that?" asked Rimmer. "I was more concerned with the fact that you were holding two newborn babies then with what you were wearing!"

"I… I think I was wearing that greenish brownish shirt, you know the one, and me khakis. God, it's been forever since I've been able to fit into those! And even if that's not what I was going to will have been wearing, I guess it is now, eh?"

The hologram just blinked and wished Lister would stop playing with tenses.

"Would you go get me clothes for me?" Lister asked. "I just feel like we need to do this now or else it won't be the right time. I did come out of the medical bay after all so it would have to be now, wouldn't it?"

The hologram nodded. Normally he would never act as a servant to Lister but now that they were together and Lister had just given birth to twins, it was a different story. He called for the skutters to follow him and went off to go find Lister's clothes. He only hoped he wouldn't have to go rifling through the man's laundry basket…

Once Rimmer and the skutters had returned, Kryten helped Lister out of bed and they put Jim and Bexley in a crib that they had jury-rigged from a refrigerator box and parts of abandoned beds.

"Are you absolutely certain you need to be doing this, sir? You're still recovering from surgery, you should be in bed!" fussed the mechanoid as he helped Lister pull his trousers on.

"I'm fine, Kryten," Lister insisted. "I know I have to do this because I already have going to have will have done it."

The robot froze for a second as his processors tried to make sense of the grammatical carnage spilling from Lister's mouth.

"As much as I hate to admit it, for once I agree with Kryten. You need to recover before you go gallivanting through the corridors taking advantage of the space time continuum!"

"I promise I'll go back to bed and let you two dote over me as soon as I take care of this," said Lister, stepping into his other boot, getting up off the bed and picking up his sons. "Now, let's go!"

Beaming at the thought of how happy and confused he was about to make his past self, Lister made his way down the corridor and stood behind the medi-bay doors that he had seen his future self come out of almost two years ago. For a second, he was worried he would forget what he was supposed to say, but he shrugged and relaxed when he realized he couldn't say it wrong.

With one more step forward, he activated the sensors and stepped through the now open door. "I can't see you, but I know you can see me. I'd like you to meet your two sons. This is Jim, and this is Bexley." He looked down at his babies who were now crying incessantly. "Oh, stop crying and say 'cheese', boys!" With that, he looked up to where he knew his past self to be and smiled a huge cheesy grin, trying not to blink.

If the future echo had lasted for just a second longer, the past Rimmer and Lister would have seen the present Rimmer walk out of the medical bay and stand just a bit too close to Lister. Part of Dave kind of wished that their past selves had seen them together, but considering the way they felt about each other back then, it was probably for the best that they didn't.


	15. Growing Pains

After Lister had finished making the future echo, Kryten had helped him get back to the bunkroom with the babies and Lister laid them down side by side in their crib. They were crying incessantly no matter how many times Lister fed them, changed them, held them, sang to them, and then told them in a mildly irritated voice to go to sleep.

"Listy, maybe you should let me try to calm them down," said Rimmer gently. "You need to sleep. And you never know, maybe they'll like old Uncle Arnie better."

The new dad nodded sleepily and gave up, putting Bexley back into the crib next to his screaming brother. "Alright, thanks, man. I'm gonna try to get some sleep," he said, collapsing on the bottom bunk and putting in a pair of heavy-duty earplugs. "If you need me, just yell in my ear really loud." He then promptly passed out and was snoring within seconds.

Rimmer looked at Lister's sleeping form for a second and then walked over and peered into the crib at the wailing twins. Was it just him, or did they look bigger then when they were born? No, he knew babies grew fast but not that fast! "So, um," he said awkwardly. "Hi. I'm your um… Uncle Arnie. Unless your dad wants to me be more someday. But that's ridiculous to be thinking about right now. I um… I've never really looked after babies before," he told them, but they obviously weren't listening. "Yes, so, um, how do you make babies stop crying?"

He looked down into the crib again. If he didn't know any better he would have said it looked like Jim and Bexley were crying out in pain. He frowned and observed them more closely. Something wasn't adding up here. They were definitely bigger then when they had been born. He wasn't imagining it.

"Kryten!" he called out, knowing that the doting mechanoid would not be far away.

"Yes, Mr. Rimmer, sir?" he asked, popping into the room almost instantly.

"Are babies supposed to cry this much?" he asked.

"Well, it varies from child to child, but they do seem to be crying more than the average baby even though we've done everything we can to make them comfortable," said Kryten.

"Come over here and take a look at them," said Rimmer. "Do they look… bigger to you?"

The mechanoid walked anxiously over and peered into the crib. "Oh. Oh my! You're right. It appears they are still growing at an accelerated rate!"

"So that's why they're crying so much. Imagine the growing pains!" exclaimed Rimmer, feeling sudden unexpected empathy for the babies.

"We should wake up Mr. Lister. He should know about this," decided Kryten.

Rimmer nodded and stood over Lister's sleeping body. He grimaced at the thought of waking him when he looked so peaceful and he was so exhausted. Plus, it was never pleasant having to wake someone to tell them bad news. "Dave," he said. But the man couldn't hear him. "Listy," he said a bit louder. No response. "LISTER!" he screamed at the top of his non-existent lungs.

"Huh? Wha?" asked Lister, jolting upright in bed and pulling out the earplugs. Upon seeing the looks on Rimmer and Kryten's faces, he felt cold dread settle in the pit of his stomach. "Something's happened, hasn't it? Oh god, tell me Jim and Bexley are alright!"

"I think you should come see for yourself, sir," said Kryten gravely.

His heart pounding in his chest, Lister stumbled out of bed and peered into the crib. "Holly smeg! How the smeg did they get so old? Was I in a coma or something?" he questioned wildly.

"No, sir," Kryten replied grimly.

Lister gasped as the realization hit him. "The accelerated growth! But I thought it would stop once they were born!"

"Apparently it hasn't, sir. At least not yet."

"Holly," called Lister. "Scan Jim and Bexley. How old are they?"

"Hmm, I'd say round about 4 months," estimated Holly, giving them a good thorough scan.

"Smeg, it's not slowing down, it's speeding up!" cried Lister. "What are we going to do! ?"

"I think the first thing we should do is get them some sort of pain killer. Just imagine how much it hurts to grow that fast! And then maybe they'll stop crying long enough for us to think straight," suggested Rimmer.

"I'll go see what we have in the medi-bay," said Kryten, quickly leaving the bunkroom.

Rimmer and Lister looked forlornly down at the squirming, screaming babies. Lister shook his head as he picked up Jim. "Looks like they've already started teething. That's gonna hurt them even more now, smeg! What am I gonna do, Arnold?"

"You never know," said Rimmer, trying to be comforting. This was like Lister being hormonal all over again. "Maybe it'll start to slow down now. Maybe they'll be alright."

Lister nodded and tried to convince himself that he believed what Rimmer was saying. He picked up both of the twins and held them close. "It's gonna be okay, boys. We'll get this sorted out," he whispered to them.

Soon Kryten came back with the pain medicine and two more bottles of baby formula and a few minutes later, the babies were finally relaxed enough to fall asleep. Lister sighed as he watched them sleep; it was the only time he had ever seen them look peaceful. It killed him knowing they were in pain. As he watched them, he felt Rimmer's presence next to him. "What am I gonna do?" he whispered again.

"The only thing we can do is wait and track their growth, see if it evens out," said Rimmer.

"And if it doesn't? If it keeps getting worse?"

Rimmer bit his lip. He really didn't have an answer for that. As Lister turned around to look at him with fear-filled eyes, the hologram just shook his head and returned the bewildered gaze. Unable to bear the stress by himself any longer, Lister tried to lean against his boyfriend's chest but just ended up leaning through him and stumbling to regain his balance. Rimmer reached out to catch him, but that of course did no good either.

"Sorry," said Lister awkwardly. "I forget sometimes."

Rimmer nodded in sympathy and guilt and wrapped his arms around Lister's slumped-over form in a holographic hug. "You should try to get some sleep while they're sleeping. You're going to need a clear head to figure out what to do about this. They'll probably wake up wanting to be fed soon enough," he pointed out.

"What if I go to sleep and I miss years of them growing up?" Lister asked. "What if I go to bed when they're four months and don't wake up until they're four years?"

Rimmer shook his head helplessly. "I don't know, Dave."

Lister sighed; he could hardly keep his eyes open and he could tell that Rimmer was getting tired as well. It was still the middle of the night after all.

"You should, um, come here," decided Rimmer, leading Lister to the bunk and sitting down. Once Dave had somewhat reluctantly sat down next to him, the hologram leaned in slowly so Lister knew what he was about to do, and then kissed him softly.

Lister couldn't help but crack a small smile; he just loved that weird face Arnold made right before he kissed him. So adorable. He soon found himself kissing back and letting go of some of his stress. Rimmer was right; he couldn't do anything for Jim and Bexley now except wait. Worrying about it wasn't helping anyone. "Holly, can you find Kryten and ask him to come in here and watch the babies. Me and Arnold are gonna try to get some sleep," said Lister, lying down on the bunk.

Holly acknowledged and a few moments later Kryten came in the door and stared at Lister and Rimmer lying together on the same bunk. That was going to take a bit of getting used to. "Don't worry, sirs," he said. "They're in good hands. I love taking care of babies!"

"Thanks, Kryten," replied Lister sleepily, laying his head down on the pillow and closing his eyes, snuggling closer to Rimmer's warmth. "Just wake me whenever they start crying again."

"You're just going to sleep right there with Mr. Rimmer while I sit here and watch Jim and Bexley?" asked the mechanoid.

"Why not? It's not like we're gonna be having sex or anything," scoffed Lister. "And I trust you not to kill us in our sleep. Don't you, Arn?"

"Barely," mumbled Rimmer.

"Alright then. Goodnight, sirs," said Kryten. He pulled up a chair and sat down next to the crib. He felt awkward, watching Rimmer and Lister fall asleep, especially since they were in the same bed. But they weren't the ones he was supposed to be watching after. He turned his attention to the tiny babies who weren't so tiny anymore. They had their father's nose, he mused; how adorable.

**Now that I'm back in school, I probably won't be able to write and post chapters as often as I'd like to, but never fear, I refuse to abandon this story :) **

**Reviews? **


	16. Twins on a Spaceship

The next day was complete chaos. Lister had a six year old Jim sitting on his lap, bawling his head off while he tried his best to comfort him. A few feet away, Rimmer was standing over the crib, reading a children's book to the whimpering Bexley and hoping that he didn't start crying again. Kryten was running around frantically, looking for more baby formula and clothes that would fit the children. It seemed like every fifteen minutes they went up a size! Cat was hiding in the cargo decks, trying to get away from the ear-splitting shrieks of Lister's kittens and hoping to Cloister that no one would ask him to babysit!

"They've got to fall asleep again soon, haven't they?" wondered Lister. "It's got to wear them out, growing this fast."

"Maybe Bexley will fall asleep if I read him _Goodnight Jupiter_. That one usually does the trick," said Rimmer. He had become well versed in reading to the children since that was pretty much the only thing he could do for them.

"_Goodnight Jupiter_?" asked Lister.

"Yes, it's like_ Goodnight Moon_ for children who grow up on Io," Rimmer explained as a holographic copy of the book appeared in his hands.

"Did your parents used to read that to you?" Lister wondered.

Rimmer scoffed. "No, I had to read it to myself."

Lister frowned at the thought of Rimmer as a little kid reading himself bedtime stories. "Oh, eh, I'm sorry, Arn."

"Not reading me bedtime stories was one of the least psychologically damaging things they did to me," glowered Rimmer.

"Well, at least Jim and Bexley have you to read to them. I don't know if they understand a word you're saying but it does seem to calm them down," said Lister.

"It's the least I can do to help," said Rimmer, opening up the book and turning his attention back to the little boy. "In the great artificially oxygenated room there was an interplanetary communication device and a red balloon and a picture of a cow jumping over Jupiter."

The sight of Rimmer reading to Bexley made Lister feel warm and fuzzy inside. Rimmer was absolutely adorable when he was being all fatherly and caring like that. Who ever would have thought that the smeghead would be good with kids?

At that moment, Kryten came hurrying back to the room with the bottle that Lister had requested earlier. He was about to start apologizing for taking so long and explaining that a mining ship has a very limited supply of baby formula, but he stopped himself when he saw that Bexley was nearly asleep. Instead he crept quietly into the bunkroom and handed Lister the bottle which Jim was eyeing hungrily. "Here you are, sir," he said softly.

"Thanks, Krytes," Lister replied. It felt strange to bottle-feed a six year old, but really Jim was just a newborn trapped in a six year old body and hadn't quite gotten the hang of eating yet.

As soon as Jim finished his bottle, his eyes began to droop and Lister gently laid him down next to his twin brother.

"Goodnight human life forms everywhere," Rimmer concluded, closing the book and allowing it to dissipate into nothingness.

Rimmer and Lister stood over the crib and watched the children sleeping, both sucking their thumbs. Like father, like son, Rimmer mused.

"Holly," said Lister. The computer's face appeared on the screen. "Can you scan them again? How old are they now?"

"Going on seven," Holly reported gravely.

"It's not evening out is it?" Dave asked.

Holly shook her head. "Afraid not, Dave."

"Smeg," he muttered. He felt Rimmer's hand tentatively touch his back and he looked over at him regretfully. "This isn't how it was supposed to be."

Rimmer knew that Lister romanticized everything. He knew Lister had pictured himself raising his children on Earth, on Fiji, three million years ago, and he probably pictured that a woman would have been the one who was pregnant, not him. He probably pictured Kochanski laughing on the beach, holding their completely normally growing twins in her arms. Now all he had was his rapidly growing, constantly crying twins on a spaceship, three million years away from Earth, and a useless, dead, smeghead of a boyfriend to share the misery with. Rimmer couldn't have felt more inadequate.

"I know this isn't the life you envisioned for Jim and Bexley, but we'll figure something out. We've got to!" said Rimmer.

Lister shook his head. "It's not just Jim and Bexley, it's us. This isn't how we were supposed to be."

Rimmer's heart sank and he felt sick. He knew it! He just knew he wasn't good enough for Lister. "Oh my god, are you breaking up with me?" he asked, trembling.

"What! ? No, no, of course not, Arn! Why would you think that?"

"Because I'm not Kochanski and I'm not even a woman! I can't get you back to Earth or get you a house on Fiji. And no matter how much I want to, I can't even help you with Jim and Bexley because I'm a smegging hologram and I can't do anything! We can't even have sex and even if we could I wouldn't know how!"

Lister listened sympathetically as Arnold blubbered out his insecurities all at once. "Arnold man, calm down," he said softly. "I don't want Kochanski or any other woman; I want you. And nobody could get me back to Earth, that's not your fault."

"Yes it is. The drive plate…"

Lister cut him off. "Hey, if we hadn't have gotten stranded out in deep space like this I never would have had me sons and we never would have gotten together, eh? Don't be so hard on yourself. You're great with Jim and Bexley. You're doing the best that you can… and I hope someday they'll call you 'dad'," said Lister, looking at his shoes and blushing. He hoped he hadn't said too much in the heat of the moment.

"What?" asked Rimmer, his head spinning. In mere minutes he had gone from thinking Lister was about to break up with him to having Lister say he wanted him to be the father of his children.

"I know it's crazy to say that so soon but it's not like I've just met you. I've known you for years and I know we'll probably be stuck on this ship together for the rest of our lives… Arnold, I want Jim and Bexley to have two parents. And it's sure as hell not gonna be Cat or Kryten."

"Yes, or course. I'll um certainly try my best…"

"And as far as sex goes," said Lister stepping closer, "Don't worry about it. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." With that he put his hands on either side of Rimmer's projection and leaned in to kiss him sensually.

"I'm sorry I freaked out like that," apologized Rimmer as they separated. "You have enough stress on your hands right now. You shouldn't have to put up with me too."

"I never have to 'put up' with you, Arn," Lister assured him, kissing him again.

Their kiss was interrupted by Kryten entering the room and clearing his throat. "Sorry, to interrupt, sirs, but Holly and I have been plotting a graph of Jim and Bexley's growth. We've worked out that if they keep growing at this exponential rate, they will be older than you in less than three days and will die of old age by the end of the week."

Lister felt cold and numb. His newborn babies, dead of old age in a less than a week? "No," he said, refusing to believe it. "No, it can't be!"

"I'm sorry, sir, the numbers don't lie. Unless they somehow stop growing, they can't continue to live like this much longer."

"There's got to be some way to stop this!" insisted Lister. "Kryten, I want you and Holly to devote all of your run time to finding some way to stop this. Read every book, search every database, make stuff up in the lab, I don't care! Just find some way to save them!"

"Yes, sir," Kryten nodded. "I'll do my best, sir," and then scuttled out of the room.

Lister sat down on the bunk and buried his face in his hands, as would any parent who had just found out their children had less than a week to live. "They've got to find something," he muttered, with equal parts hope and despair.

"We can only hope," said Rimmer as he gazed at the sleeping children who might not even live long enough to ever call him 'dad'.

* * *

The next day while Jim and Bexley were going through puberty, Rimmer and Lister heard Kryten clanging hurriedly down the corridor. Lister's heart pounded with hope and anticipation while Rimmer tried hard not to get his hopes up, telling himself that the mechanoid was probably just coming to tell them that they were about to be sucked into a black hole.

"Mr. Lister, sir! Mr. Rimmer!" Kryten cried as he ran into the bunkroom. For a moment he was frozen in shock at how much Jim and Bexley had grown while he was gone. Last he had seen them they had appeared to be eight or nine years old. Now they looked almost fourteen! They both had to be sedated until the immense growing pains of rapid puberty were passed and were now sleeping listlessly in their father's arms.

"Don't just stand there, you metal gimboid! What is it?" snapped Rimmer.

"We think we've found something!" Kryten exclaimed.

"What? A way to save me sons?" Lister asked excitedly.

"Quite possibly, sir. Holly figured it out, I'll let her explain."

"Well," began Holly, appearing on the screen. "We weren't finding anything just by looking for ways to stop accelerated growth, so then I was thinking about what caused it in the first place, being conceived in a parallel universe. Then I started thinking, well, if they were born in the parallel universe then they would have been fine. So I think the only thing you can do is take them back."

"Yes! It's so simple! Why didn't I think of that?" exclaimed Lister.

"My theory, sir, is that the solution was so simple that only Holly could have figured it out," said Kryten, fortunately the insult was lost on the computer.

"Wait a minute," said Rimmer. "If you take them back to the parallel universe then they'll have to stay there forever, won't they? If they leave they'll just start growing out of control again."

A little voice inside of Lister's head was screaming at him that Rimmer was right and that it would be incredibly painful to have to leave his sons behind, but the rest of Lister wasn't ready to deal with that at the time. The important thing was that they had found a way to save Jim and Bexley. "I don't want to think about that right now," Lister shook his head. "Making sure they stay alive is the only thing that matters. How soon can we get there?" he asked Holly.

"Well, I'll have to do some pretty complex calculations to get us to the right parallel universe and then Kryten'll have to double check them to make sure I didn't miss any sevens. After that we'll have to wait for the inter-dimensional rift to line up so we can actually get there. Plus the time it'll take to dig the Holly Hop Drive out of storage…"

"Well do it now!" said Lister. "I want them to be as young as possible when we get them over there!"

"Of course, sir, I'll go find it right now," said Kryten.

"And I'll start on my calculations," said Holly, getting a very perplexed look on her face as she faded off the screen.

"Don't worry, boys," Lister whispered to the teenagers. "We're gonna save you."


	17. Fairly Straightforward

**This chapter contains Holly/Hilly and hints of Deb/Arlene :) Enjoy the slashiness! **

"Why, it's just a box with start and stop on it!" exclaimed Kryten when Lister told him that the little box he had dug up was in fact the Holly Hop Drive.

"Yeah, it's fairly straightforward," Lister told him.

"I should say so," muttered the mechanoid.

"I've finished my calculations, you guys ready?" asked Holly.

"Yeah, we're ready. It's not like we've got to take anything with us," pointed out Lister who was struggling to balance his two whimpering eighteen year olds on his lap.

"Alrighty then, Holly Hop Drive engaged, dimension in range, initiating countdown—"

"Don't forget the seven this time!" Rimmer warned her.

"Gordon Benet, you forget the seven one time and you never hear the last of it! Blast off!"

Before anyone knew it, they were blinded with a flash of light as they momentarily blinked out of existence and reappeared in the fifth dimension.

"What happened to the countdown?" asked Rimmer.

Holly seemed to shrug. "Numbers are a bit overrated if you ask me."

"Did it work?" asked Lister. "Are we in the right dimension?"

"It would appear so," said Kryten. "Look!" The mechanoid gestured at Jim and Bexley who had both miraculously stopped crying.

Lister looked down at his children and saw that for once they were conscious and did not appear to be in pain. "They've stopped crying! It's worked! That's smegging brilliant!" he beamed, kissing both of his sons on the tops of their heads.

"Hang on a minute, someone's trying to contact us," said Holly. "It's them!" she exclaimed happily. "It's Hilly!"

Suddenly an image of Holly as they had once known her, as a man, appeared on the screen next to her. Holly and Hilly stared at each other for a while. "Well…" began Hilly. "This is certainly something."

"You look just like me before I made myself look like you," said Holly.

"And you look just like me before I made myself look like you," replied Hilly.

"So you gave yourself a sex change operation too?" Holly asked him.

"Yeah, I just couldn't stop thinking about you," he admitted.

"I've missed you, Hilly."

"I've missed you too, Holly."

"Oh get a smegging room!" Rimmer groaned.

"I guess you'll want to come on-board then, eh?" asked Hilly once he had finished kissing Holly.

"Yeah, that would be good," said Lister. "I've got to talk to Deb."

Hilly looked down at the teenagers on Lister's lap. "Come to collect your child support, have you?"

Lister fidgeted uncomfortably. "Not exactly, I just really need to talk to her."

"Alright then, I'll let them know you're here," said Hilly, disappearing from the screen.

Holly smiled, love-struck. "Gordon Benet, if I'd known I was that handsome, I would have stayed a bloke!"

* * *

"Cat, you coming, man?" asked Lister as everyone prepared to board the parallel Red Dwarf.

"Are you crazy? There is no way I'm ever going anywhere near that Dog!" he spat with disdain.

Lister shrugged. "Alright, suit yourself."

The two Red Dwarfs met and Lister, Rimmer, and Kryten stepped into the airlock, Lister and Kryten each carrying one of the twins. "Hey, Arnold," said Lister right before Kryten opened the door. "I don't think we should let them know about us."

"Why not? What do we have to hide from ourselves?" he asked.

"Nothing, but what if Arlene doesn't know yet? She might totally flip out. I mean, how would you have reacted if when we went over there, they had been together? Even I would have been freaked out!"

"I suppose you're right. I probably would have jumped out the airlock if they had been together. But do you think they like each other?"

"Maybe," said Lister. "But they didn't have the pregnancy to bring them together. I guess we'll just have to go find out."

Rimmer nodded and Kryten opened the door. When they stepped out onto the other ship, Deb, Arlene, the Dog, and a feminine looking mechanoid were waiting for them. At the sight of Jim and Bexley, Deb's eyes grew wide and Arlene smirked smugly. "Oh-ho, Listy! I knew it! You got him pregnant all right! Twins to boot, and now he's back to collect child support! Quite a few years of it from the looks of them… Didn't know it had been _that_ long…"

"It hasn't been that long; it's only been a few months… Dave, what…?" Deb trailed off, severely confused. The teenagers in Lister and the mechanoid's arms looked just like her and her male counterpart, practically clones, but they couldn't possibly be that old!

"Accelerated growth because they were conceived in a parallel universe," Lister explained. "I was only pregnant for a few months. They were born three days ago and they've been growing ever since. They would have died by the end of the week. The only way to stop it was to bring them back here."

"So," began Deb, taking a step towards them. "These are our children?"

Lister nodded. "Jim and Bexley."

"After Jamie Bexley Speed?" she asked.

"Yeah, except in my universe he's Jim Bexley Speed."

Deb nodded. "Oh, right. You know, that's exactly what I would have named 'em."

"Why don't you come in, sirs?" suggested the female mechanoid. "It certainly is rude to keep gentlemen standing around!"

"Yeah, um, come on in," said Deb, leading the way into the drive room even though their male counterparts undoubtedly knew where it was.

As they walked, the two mechanoids fell into step next to each other. "I don't believe I've had the pleasure of meeting you, ma'am," said Kryten conversationally.

"My name is Kryta. I'm a 4000 series mechanoid," she replied. "And you are?"

"My name is Kryten, I'm also a 4000 series," he replied cheerily.

"A pleasure to meet you, sir! Would you by chance be interested in folding laundry with me later tonight?"

"I would like nothing more!" Kryten smiled. "But could you answer me one thing?"

"Why of course," she replied.

"I've always wondered; how do you iron a bra?"

"Well," Kryta began. "The only way I've found is to stretch each cup over my head!" She then mimicked the action of ironing on top of her head.

"Ah, but of course! I'll remember that in case the sirs ever decide to take up cross-dressing!"

"Hey," said Dog, coming up beside Lister eagerly. "Where's that Cat fella?"

"Aw, he stayed home. He, um, wasn't feeling very good," Lister lied, not wanting to hurt the Dog's feelings by saying Cat really didn't want to see him.

"Aw shucks!" Dog pouted. "I wanted to have him throw stuff so I could bring it back to him! …Do you want to throw stuff so I can bring it back to you?" he asked, suddenly eager again.

"Erm, maybe later," Lister told him.

"Aw…" he pouted again.

"Don't worry about him," said Deb. "He'll forget about it in a second."

"Forget about what?" asked Dog.

"See."

Meanwhile, Rimmer stayed quiet and observed the group dynamic, trying to gauge if Arlene was going to try to get in his pants again. He shuddered at the thought.

Once they got to the drive room, they all sat down and the mechanoids went off to make some tea. Nobody quite knew what to say. It wasn't every day you sat in a room with an opposite gendered version of yourself and twin newborn teenagers.

"As much as I hate to just come over here and be all serious," began Lister uncomfortably. "We need to figure out what we're gonna do with Jim and Bexley."

"Well, they can't go back to your universe with you, can they?" asked Deb.

Lister shook his head glumly. "No, they'll have to stay here."

"I don't know if I can take care of 'em," Deb admitted. "I don't know how. I mean, I always thought I'd have kids someday but not like this. I never wanted to be a single mum."

'_Then you shouldn't have gotten me pregnant and sent me on my way!'_ Lister wanted to shout at her, but he bit his tongue. Now was not the time for anger. "I didn't think I could do it either, believe me, it was hard coming to terms with it and it's been hard raising them, but I can do it. And so can you."

Deb looked doubtfully into the desperate eyes of her counterpart and then at the two children balanced precariously on his lap.

"Look," said Lister. "I don't want to leave them. I can't even tell you how much I don't want to leave them!" he began to tear up. "But I talked to Holly earlier and she said I can't stay here long."

"Why not?" wondered Deb.

"Too many of us from different dimensions living in such close quarters, it'd cause paradoxes if we stay too long. And if we don't go back at the right time, we could get stuck here. I have to go back and they have to stay," he explained in a pained voice.

"Well, they certainly can't stay on this ship!" Arlene finally spoke up. Both Listers and Rimmer glared at her.

"Rimmer! These are me sons! I don't have any choice! If Dave can't take care of 'em I at least have to try!" she exclaimed.

"I don't want two screaming, whining, overgrown babies on-board! They'll keep us up all night and deplete our food supply! Besides, they're basically your clones! As if we don't have enough Listers running around here already!" she crossed her arms.

"What do you want me to do with them? Send them out the airlock?" Deb glared at her.

"Not necessarily. Couldn't you just drop them off at some interstellar orphanage?" she asked. From the expression on both Listers' faces, Arlene could tell that she had struck a nerve.

"They're not going to a smegging orphanage, Rimmer! They're staying here and if you don't like it you can throw yourself out the smegging airlock!" Deb growled.

Arlene felt a twinge of guilt for making Deb get so upset. She looked down at her perfectly polished boots and tried not to seem too effected. "Fine. Just as long as you keep them out of my hair," she said curtly.

When Arlene had first voiced her displeasure at having Jim and Bexley live on the same ship as her, Rimmer was certain that she must not share his feelings regarding Lister, but after seeing that reaction, Arnold thought that there might just be a glimmer of hope after all.

"I guess that's settled then," said Lister sadly. "You'll take care of 'em and I'll have to leave 'em behind."

Deb put a comforting hand on her counterpart's back. "Hey, it's not like you're abandoning them. It's not like you're leaving them in a box under a pool table like our parents did to us," Deb tried to console him. "I'll try my best to take care of them and someday when they're ready, I'll let them know about you. I'll make sure they know you didn't abandon them."

Lister nodded glumly. "Thanks."

"When do you have to leave?" she wondered.

"I don't know. We'll have to ask Holly. Holly?" The computer did not appear. "Hol?"

"Hilly?" tried Deb.

"Holly, would you kindly get the smeg out here?" Rimmer ordered.

Holly and Hilly both appeared on the screen, both female, both dishevelled and both covered in lipstick marks. For a moment, everyone just stared at the identical computerized heads. "What?" asked one of them.

Arlene's holographic heart hammered away in her chest. Hilly and Holly had obviously just been having the computer equivalent of sex. Incredibly gay, woman-on-woman, lesbian, homosexual sex! It had been hard enough for her to accept that Hilly was transsexual, but this—she didn't even want to think about how this made her feel. She stole a glance at Deb and then quickly looked down, her face flushing red.

"Um, Hol," began Lister. "You've um got a little something on your face."

Holly looked down at her lipstick covered cheeks. "Must be that computer rash again," she said.

"Yeah, we've both got it, haven't we, Holly?"

"Yes we have, Hilly."

Lister shook his head and gave up. "Sure, whatever. Can you just tell us when we have to leave by?"

"Well, the Holly Hop Drive broke again when we hopped, but don't worry. We're fixing it right now, aren't we, Hilly?"

"Yes, we are, Holly."

"It might take us a while though. Gonna be at least until tomorrow," said Holly.

Lister nodded. "Thanks, Hol. Just let me know when it's done."

"Will do, Dave," said Holly, she and Hilly then disappeared from the view screen. As soon as they were invisible to everyone else, Holly leaned in for another kiss.

When they pulled away from each other, Hilly had a mischievous glint in her eyes. "Oi, what do you say we both be blokes this time?" she asked.

"Fine by me," replied Holly, slipping back into her original male form.

Hilly grinned. "Gordon Benet," he mumbled, leaning in again. "This is gonna be fun."

**I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Red Dwarf Series X! I just watch the first episode today with my friend and it was fan-smegging-tastic! :D Here's to another great (and hopefully slashy!) series of Red Dwarf! **


	18. One Last Night

**Hey guys, sorry this has taken me so long to update. I'm also sorry to say that I'm going to have to put this story on hold for NaNoWriMo in November. But here's one more chapter for you, enjoy. **

While they waited for Holly and Hilly to finish "fixing the Holly Hop Drive", Kryten and Kryta made dinner, figuring that Deb and Dave could both use a good vindaloo after the day they'd had. Concerning to everyone, Lister hardly touched his food. He just stared glumly into the bowl and pushed it around with his spoon. Rimmer watched Lister worriedly and Arlene watched Rimmer watching Lister. Deb was too preoccupied eating and periodically glancing over to the makeshift bed where Jim and Bexley were sleeping. How the smeg was she supposed to take care of them?

"Looks like you'll be spending the night here again, eh?"said Deb as the mechanoids cleared their dishes.

"Yes, until Holly and Hilly decide to stop doing whatever it is that computers do and actually fix the hop drive. That is if it's even actually broken," muttered Rimmer.

"I've prepared a room for you, sirs. I hope everything is to your liking," said Kryta.

Somewhere inside of Lister, a little part of him smiled. _A _room. No matter what gender, no matter what universe, it was to be assumed that Rimmer and Lister shared a room. Not necessarily a bed, but always a room. It couldn't be any other way. "I'm sure it's great, Kryta," he told her with as much of an outward smile as he could manage at the time.

"What are the sleeping arrangements going to be for Jim and Bexley?" Kryta wondered.

"They can sleep in our room," Lister was quick to answer. "I want one last night with me sons."

The mechanoid nodded in understanding and went to get Jim and Bexley situated in the room she had picked out for Dave and Arnold, right across the hall from Deb and Arlene. Lister got up from the table and followed her, not wanting to be away from his children for even a moment.

"You actually sleep in the same room as those _children_?" Arlene asked Rimmer.

Arnold didn't like the way she had said 'children'. Children to rhyme with mangy stray dogs. "No," Rimmer told her matter-of-factly. "I've hardly slept at all since they've been born. But I do live in the same room as them and look after them."

"Why in God's name would you do that? They're not your responsibility!" Arlene's brow crinkled in confusion.

"Ah, but Lister is. It's our job to keep our Listers sane, is it not?" Arnold grinned smugly; he knew he had won.

Arlene bit her lip. Arnold had her there. "Yes... but I still don't see how you can stand it."

"Well then, I guess I'm just better at taking care of my Lister than you are," concluded Rimmer smugly. Arlene looked like she was about to come up with a witty retort, but Rimmer cut her off. "Speaking of which, I'd better go check on him now. Goodnight," he said and promptly turned on his heel, following Lister down the corridor to their temporary room.

* * *

Lister couldn't believe this was the last time he would ever spend the night in the same universe as his children. It just wasn't fair! Deb hadn't been pregnant with them. Deb didn't suffer through morning sickness, out of control hormones, baby weight, and having to eat vegetables for three months! She didn't stay up all night worrying about how to stop them from dying of old age, but now she got to raise them! Lister winced as it hit him that his kids probably wouldn't even remember him. Just like he couldn't remember his birth parents.

But he had to keep reminding himself that this was what he needed to do. He had to leave them here or else they would die. Simple as that. No matter how painful it was, he knew he was doing the right thing.

"Listy…" began Rimmer tentatively. He didn't quite know what to say. Lister had been staring glumly at Jim and Bexley for a while now. "Is there anything I can do?"

Lister shook his head. "No… I- I'll be alright. I'm gonna go get some water, maybe take a walk," he said, getting up off of the bunk and moping out of the room.

Rimmer didn't know what to do. Was he supposed to follow Lister and try to comfort him or was he supposed to give him space? The hologram suddenly stood up and stuck his head into the corridor. "Kryten!" he called out.

"Yes, Mr. Rimmer, sir?" replied the mechanoid who always seemed to be just around the corner.

"I need you to watch Jim and Bexley. I'll be back soon," he said quickly walking past Kryten to follow Lister.

"Oh, of course, sir. I'd be more than happy!" smiled Kryten, walking into the bunk room to look after Mr. Lister's children for what might be the last time. He was going to miss them too.

"Dave! Wait," called Rimmer running down the corridor until he caught up with his boyfriend. Lister stopped and turned to look up at Arnold, trying to hide the fact that he had been holding back tears. "What if—do you… want to go up to the observation dome?" the hologram asked, remembering the time when Lister had gone to the observation dome with him to comfort him when he'd found out his father had died.

Dave nodded. "Yeah, I think I need that. Thanks, man."

Rimmer nodded in response and they walked together towards the large room made of windows.

* * *

Meanwhile, Arlene was wandering the halls as well. She wasn't ready to be alone in the bunkroom with Deb yet. She was still freaked out by the teenage babies she was suddenly expected to live with and the computerized gay sex that was undoubtedly going on somewhere in Red Dwarf's computer network. She didn't want to know why she couldn't stop thinking about Hilly and Holly, covered in each other's lipstick, but she had an idea. A little nagging voice in the back of her mind was telling her she knew exactly why. But she told it to smeg off. She needed to clear her head before she went back to the bunkroom. With a sigh, she set off for the one place on the ship where she could be alone.

* * *

Once Rimmer and Lister reached the top of the winding staircase, neither of them said a word. It seemed as though any sound at all would be enough to mar the infinite and ever-expanding beauty of the universe surrounding them. Nothing could make a person feel so small and insignificant as being surrounded by blackness and stars and galaxies so far away that it wasn't even comprehendible to the human mind. Compared to its crew, Red Dwarf was giant. Out here, it was a speck of dust and Rimmer and Lister were microscopic. Some people might have found this disconcerting, but to Lister it was comforting to know he was such a small part of something so big and magnificent. His problems seemed so insignificant when compared to the beauty of the universe.

When he finally turned away from the glass, Lister saw a different kind of beauty; Arnold Rimmer's sympathetic face looking back at him. "I'll miss them too, Listy," Rimmer said softly. "I was actually kind of looking forward to… being a dad."

With a melancholy smile, Lister reached up and traced the edge of Rimmer's face with his fingers. "Oh, Arnold," he murmured tenderly before leaning in all the way and kissing him.

Rimmer's eyes fluttered shut as he felt Lister's presence touch his projection, his hand on his holographic cheek, and their lips come together in the strange sensation that they had become accustomed to over the past few days. Rimmer brought his hands up until he felt them hit Lister's sides and let out a contented moan as the kiss deepened. They had kissed before, but never like this. Just as they were both wishing Rimmer had a body so that they could press up against each other, they jumped apart as they heard a surprised gasp come from behind them…


	19. More Than Just Friends

**Hey guys! I'm so sorry for not updating this for so long! But on the bright side, I won NaNoWriMo! Anyways, here's a longish chapter for you! Sorry if it's a bit out of character. I wrote it in a rush and it's been over a month since I last used these characters. I'll try to have this story finished soon! **

Startled, Arnold and Dave both turned towards the sound and saw Arlene standing at the top of the staircase, eyes wide, biting her fist, her face burning red with embarrassment. Before anyone could say a word, Arlene took off and ran down the staircase as fast as her lightbee would carry her.

"Arlene! Wait…" Rimmer called after her, but she was already gone.

Rimmer shared a guilty and embarrassed look with Lister. "I guess she found out, eh?" said Lister. "You should probably go talk to her."

The hologram sighed. "You're probably right. If she reacts as badly as I did when I realized, it's gonna be all I can do to get her out from under the radar consul."

"I'll be in our quarters when you get back," Lister told him. "Go make sure Arlene doesn't short circuit herself."

"I'll try my best. Are you sure you're going to be okay though?" he asked.

"I'll be alright," said Lister. "I'll see you back in our quarters, okay?"

Rimmer nodded and quickly went down the staircase to track down his counterpart. He looked in all of his usual hiding places and finally found her in one of the last places he'd expected to find her, sitting in the empty drive room, swiveling slightly side to side in one of the chairs, arms crossed over her chest, staring at her boots. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath as she sensed Arnold enter the room. Still she didn't look up at him; she didn't know if she could.

"Arlene," began Rimmer. "It—it's not what it looks like…" he tired lamely.

The female hologram cut him off. "You don't have to say that. Don't worry, I'm not going into a full blown sexual identity crisis or anything. I suppose I already kind of thought… I just never _knew_… until now."

Rimmer nodded in understanding and sat down next to her. This looked like it was going to be easier than he thought.

Arlene bit her lip and worked up the confidence to ask a question. "How long?"

"Me and Lister?" he asked. She nodded, eyes closed tightly. "Actually, only four days now," Arnold told her.

Now, Arlene turned and looked at him. "How long have you known you liked him?"

"Not very long," Rimmer admitted. "And it _was _a full blown sexual identity crisis for me... Do you… like your Lister?"

Arlene swallowed the lump in her throat. It was time to admit it. She couldn't lie to herself. Well, she could lie to herself in her own mind, she did it all the time. But she couldn't lie to herself in the flesh. "I… I first noticed that I might… like her a while ago. You know Listers, always lounging around in their underwear," she sneered. "One day she was being such an utter slob that she couldn't even bother to put a smegging bra on! All day I had to look at her walking around topless! Do you know how torturous that was for me? I tried to deny it at first, but I just couldn't stop thinking about her. It got me thinking and then I realized that I've never really been attracted to man," she admitted.

"Well, you sure seemed eager to get me into your bed last time I was here!" Arnold exclaimed.

Arlene chuckled nervously. "That was sort of like a last shot for me. I knew if I couldn't be attracted to myself as a man, then I couldn't be attracted to any man," she explained. "I wanted to be attracted to you! I wanted to have sex with you so that I would enjoy it and prove that I'm straight and all those thoughts and dreams about Deb were just flukes! But all it proved was that I'm gayer than a smegging fruit cake. There. I said it."

"It's alright, you know," Rimmer said awkwardly, not wanting to sound condescending.

"What is?" asked Arlene.

"Being… you know… gay," he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He felt incredibly stupid saying that to an alternate version of himself. "And if your Lister is anything like mine, she would tell you the exact same thing."

"But your Lister likes you back," pointed out Arlene. "Mine certainly doesn't. She's too smegging in love with that dead goit Christopher Kochanski."

Arnold almost had to laugh. "That's what I thought too. Except of course his Kochanski was a woman. But, god knows why, he chose me."

Arlene shook her head. "Just because your Lister likes you doesn't mean mine likes me. I just don't see what she could possibly see in me. I'm a smegging hologram! I'm a smeghead! I'm a woman and she's not a lesbian, that's for damn sure!"

"That's exactly what I thought! Expect for the woman part… Look, I can't speak for your Lister. Maybe you're right. Maybe she doesn't like you. Maybe me and my Lister are just a fluke. But you'll never know until you ask her."

"You want me to ask her if she likes me?" Arlene exclaimed with a disbelieving laugh. "How the smeg do you expect me to do that?"

Arnold sighed. "How should I know? I've only been with one more person than you; I'm no smegging relationship expert!"

Arlene buried her face in her hands out of frustration. "Just forget it," she mumbled. "She'd never want me."

Rimmer, while not used to feeling empathy for others, couldn't help but feel sorry for this female version of himself. He wanted her and Deb to get together. They deserved the same shot at happiness that he and Lister had. "What if…" he began. "What if I had Dave talk to her?"

Arlene lifted her face out of her hands and peered up at Arnold. "You'd do that for me?"

"Of course, it's only fair you get the same shot at happiness that I have," said Rimmer. "I can't make any guarantees though."

"I don't expect her to like me back; I just want to know how she feels. If she doesn't like me then I can move on and try to forget it."

Rimmer nodded in understanding. "I'll have him talk to her… Don't worry yourself into an anxiety attack while I'm gone," he added, seeing the panic behind her eyes.

"I'll try," she said. "Can't make any guarantees though."

* * *

"Hey, how's Arlene?" asked Lister as Rimmer came back, looking at tad bit anxious.

"She's fine. Better than I thought she'd be," he reported, sitting down on the bunk next to Lister.

"She's okay with us being together?"

"Yes, she likes Deb too," Rimmer told him. "But the trouble is, she doesn't think Deb will like her back and we were wondering if maybe you could talk to her?"

"Me talk to Deb?" asked Lister.

"Yeah, just, drop some hints or something. Find out if she likes Arlene."

"Do you want me to tell her about us?" wondered Lister.

"Might as well," said Rimmer. "It's not much of a secret anymore."

Lister nodded. "Alright, I can do that. Never hurts to spread a little love. We'll be like matchmakers! We can travel all around the multiverse getting alternate versions of ourselves together!"

"If it works," Rimmer reminded him.

"Of course it'll work," said Lister. "I don't know how any version of me could not be attracted to you, man."

Rimmer blushed. "Um thanks… you too."

Lister grinned fondly and chuckled. "I'll go talk to her now, but I'll see you later tonight." With that, Dave feigned to kiss Arnold's nose, and walked out of their quarters to go find Deb. He found her sitting alone in her room across the hall and knocked on the doorframe. "Can I come in?"

Deb looked up from the comic book she had only been pretending to read. "Yeah, sure. What's up?"

"Just, um, wanted to talk to you," said Lister, making his way into the room. Deb scooted over to make room on Arlene's bunk for him. It seemed oddly fitting to Dave that they should be having this conversation on Arlene's bed.

"About what?" she asked.

Dave realized he didn't know how to broach the subject. He'd prefer for it to come up naturally but he wasn't quite sure how to make that happen. "I dunno, life," he said vaguely. "How's it living here, being stranded with Arlene? She's not getting on your nerves too much, I hope?" he chuckled.

Deb shrugged. "It's been alright. I'd still like to get back to Earth but I kinda like it here. I've gotten used to it, you know. I've gotten used to Rimmer too I guess, even if she is a smeghead." Lister felt a bit relieved, seeing as Deb had used 'smeghead' as more of a loving nickname than the insult that they both used to use it as. "What about you? You and your Rimmer seem to be getting on well," she observed.

Dave felt himself begin to blush. "Yeah, you could say that."

"Become friends with him have you?" asked Deb.

Even though he felt his cheeks burning hot, he knew it was now or never. "A bit more than just friends," he told the floor, not wanting to see the look on Deb's face.

There was silence. For a second Deb could have sworn she heard Dave say he and Arnold were more than just friends. "What?" she chuckled. "You're kidding!"

"I'm not!" said Lister, daring to look up at her before turning back to the ground.

"Nah, you're yanking me chain!" she insisted. Dave just shook his head. Every logical fiber in Deb's being was telling her this had to be a joke, but the look on her counterpart's face told her otherwise. "Eh you're serious, aren't you? You and Arnold? I hope you don't mind me asking this but, why?"

"It—it happened during me pregnancy. I know he's annoying but he was so sweet and so good at taking care of me. We we're gonna raise the kids together and everything…" he trailed off embarrassedly.

"Hey, no need to be embarrassed. It's just me," Deb tried to take the shock out of her voice to comfort Dave. "It's just kinda hard to wrap me head around, you know?"

"Tell me about it," muttered Lister. "But he was there for me when I needed him and I really care about him a lot."

"You just care about him? Or you love him?" prodded Deb, eager to get as much gossip about this unexpected relationship as possible.

"I—I don't know," stuttered Dave.

"Oh come on, you can tell me. I'm you!"

"I like him. I like him a lot," divulged Dave, suddenly feeling like he was back in high school. "But I don't know if I can say I love him yet; it's too soon to tell."

"Ah. If you don't mind me asking, how does that even work? What with him being a hologram?" Deb wondered.

"Well you can touch the edge of their projections and you get kinda this weird tingly, buzzy feeling," explained Lister. "And they can feel something too. That's good for just kissing but AR is the best. Can't really even tell he's a hologram in there and you can do anything."

"_Anything_?" asked Deb with a suggestive smirk. "And have you?"

Dave found himself blushing again. "Not yet. I was just pregnant a few days ago! Besides, we're taking it slow."

Deb nodded. "Well, uh, that's good for you then, man," said Deb. "I'm happy for you."

"Thanks," Lister smiled. "How do you… feel about your Rimmer?" he asked. "Do you like her?"

"I… I don't know," said Deb. "She's alright. She's good company I guess, not too bad looking. But I don't know if I like her. Honestly I've never really thought of her that way before."

Dave took in a breath. "Well Rimmer wanted me to tell you that Arlene likes you."

"She does?" Deb sounded a bit shocked. "I thought she hated me! She's always saying how disgusted she is with me! Are you sure Arnold's not just messing with us?"

"Nah, he wouldn't do that. Not for something like this," Dave shook his head. "Maybe she was too ashamed to admit that she liked you before so she tried to hide it by pretending to hate you. I know it's weird, thinking about Rimmer like that, but…" Lister trailed off, starting to get concerned that the sheer awkwardness of their conversation would cause the universe to implode.

Deb nodded in understanding. "Uh yeah, thanks for telling me... You should probably get back to Arnold and the kids, eh?"

"Yeah, probably," agreed Lister. As he stood up to leave he figured he'd put in a few more good words for Arlene. "It'd really be nice for Jim and Bexley if they had two parents there for them. And I know it doesn't seem like it but Rimmer, well my Rimmer at least, is actually really good with them and it'll be a lot easier to take care of them with some help. Just something else to think about."

Deb sighed, suddenly reminded of the weight of the burden of unexpected motherhood. "Yeah… I'm thinking about it..."

"Night, Deb," said Lister as he stepped out.

"Night, Dave." As her counterpart left, Deb slumped back down onto the bunk and buried her face in her hands. Arnold and Dave were attracted to each other and Arlene was attracted to her, but was she attracted to Arlene? Was she supposed to be attracted to Arlene? As all these questions and many more buzzed around in her head, it suddenly stuck her that she was laying in Arlene's bunk. "Oh smeg," she muttered as images of what that implied filled her mind and wouldn't go away.

Sitting up, she decided she couldn't handle this right now. She just had two teenage babies dropped onto her and now she was having to rethink her whole relationship with her complete smeghead of a roommate. "Smeg, I need a beer," she muttered, hoping that by the time Arlene came back to their quarters later that night, she'd be too drunk to care.


	20. Enlightened 23rd Century Girls

**I cannot apologize enough for delaying this chapter for so long! I hope Deb/Arlene slash makes up for it! Enjoy...**

When Arlene dared to venture back into their quarters that night, she almost hoped Deb would be asleep. What had she been thinking having Dave talk to her? Of course Deb wouldn't return her feelings and now things were just going to be awkward for the rest of their existences.

As she tiptoed in, despite the fact that she couldn't really make any noise when she walked, she froze at the sight of a suspiciously Deb-sized lump lying in her bunk. What was she supposed to make of that? How could she possibly avoid the awkward situation at hand with Deb sleeping in her bed?

"Smeg," she cursed under her breath, though it must have been a bit louder than she thought because the Deb-sized lump sat up. "Rimmer?" she asked blearily.

"Lister, are you drunk?" she asked.

"No," said Deb, almost falling over when she tried to swing her feet off the side of the bunk. "Well, maybe a little."

Arlene sighed. "Do you want me to sleep somewhere else? I can do that."

"No, no," Deb quickly assured. "Listen, Rimmer, Arlene," that got the hologram's attention. Deb never called her by her first name except to differentiate between her and Arnold.

"I—um—talked to Dave," said Deb.

Arlene's face flushed with color, though she wasn't certain if she should be looking pink or green. "Look, just forget it. It was stupid." She shook her head quickly.

"You saying you don't like me anymore? Cause if that's it then I guess I don't have to tell ya what I was gonna tell ya."

Smeg, now Arlene had to know what Deb was going to tell her. "No…" she admitted quietly.

Deb let out a small grin though she didn't quite know why. Maybe because it felt like such an accomplishment to get Arlene to admit to feeling anything. "I've been thinking about what Dave said about you and about him and Arnold and I've decided that I'm not really sure how I feel about you."

Arlene's heart sank.

"But—" Deb said quickly before Arlene had the chance to run away. "I've also decided that, if you want, I'd be willing to give it a shot…"

"What?" asked Arlene, dumbfounded.

"You heard me, smeghead," chuckled Deb, trying to keep the mood light.

"You really want to…?"

"Hey, it worked for Dave and Arnold. Why shouldn't it work for us?"

"I don't know… because they're men! It's fine when men get together but when women do it it's weird!"

"Arlene, we're enlightened 23rd century girls. It's not weird. It's perfectly normal," Deb assured her.

"But how will we even—"

"Kiss?"

"Well, yeah…" Arlene shifted uncomfortably.

"Dave told me how," Deb said with a blush. "Why don't you come sit down?" she gestured to the spot on the bunk next to her.

Arlene's heart began pounding with anticipation. Was Deb actually going to try to kiss her if she sat down? No one ever wanted to kiss her. Even Ivan McGruder had only kissed her when he had a concussion! "Why?" she asked.

"So we can talk," said Deb simply.

Arlene swallowed the lump in her throat and made her way over to Deb like a frightened rabbit. Deb began to fidget once Arlene was sitting next to her, just close enough to make it awkward. She looked down and said, "Dave said if we try to touch each other it'll feel warm and tingly to me and you'd feel something too."

Arlene internally thrilled at the thought of being able to feel anything. "Should we try it?"

"Don't see why not," said Deb. She then awkwardly held out her hand to Arlene and shot her a quick glance before looking away again. "Um, here."

Heart pounding with anticipation, Arlene tentatively reached out her hand as well. Slowly, she let her holographic fingers brush against Deb's. She took in a quiet gasp as she felt the presence and Deb jumped at the pleasant tingling making its way over her hand.

"Did you feel anything?" Deb asked, looking over at Arlene.

The hologram nodded. "Did you?'"

"Yeah."

Finally they dared to look into each other's eyes. "Do you want to try to…" Deb asked, leaning in ever so slightly. Smeg. Was she really about to kiss Arlene? Maybe she had finally gone space-crazy.

"If you want to…" replied Arlene, feeling a panic attack coming on.

Deb leaned in a little bit more and Arlene jerked forward a fraction. After a few more jerky awkward movements, they managed to line their lips up just right and go for it.

Deb hadn't been expecting the tingling and warmth of the Arlene's projection to feel so good against the sensitive skin of her lips and Arlene hadn't expected the feeling of Deb's lips disrupting her projection to feel so intimate.

"Smeg," Deb whispered once they had pulled apart, running a finger over her lips.

Arlene closed her eyes and shuttered. "Smeg indeedy."

Deb looked over at her and scoffed, it was just like Arlene to ruin the moment with a made-up word like "indeedy."

"So um, how was it?" Arlene asked nervously.

"It—it was good," Deb decided. "But a relationship's not just about kissing you know."

"Oh God, you want to have sex already!?" exclaimed Arlene, suddenly feeling very inexperienced and self-conscious.

"That's not what I'm saying! I meant like spending time together, enjoying each other's company, not driving each other crazy, raising kids together..."

"Oh how could I forget, you're a hopeless romantic," muttered Arlene.

"I'm serious though," said Deb. "I won't be able to raise Jim and Bexley on me own. And I don't want to be a single mum! I can't do this without you, Arlene."

The serious turn the conversation had suddenly taken was making Arlene nervous. They'd just had their first kiss and already they were having kids? Well, it wasn't as if she wouldn't have to live with them even if they weren't together… but it just seemed like such a commitment. "Well I guess I don't really have a choice then, do I?" she asked.

"Well, you could just leave me on me own. It is my fault for getting him pregnant after all," said Deb.

"I want to be able to help," admitted Arlene, "I just don't think I'll be very good with kids is all. I never planned on having any kids after the way my parents raised me…"

Deb hovered her hand just above Arlene's shoulder. "Hey, I know how it feels. My parents abandoned me under a smegging pool table. And I don't know exactly what your family did to you but we can do better by Jim and Bexley than our parents did by us. Or we can at least try to."

Arlene nodded to herself as she thought it over. She could be a good mother, not strict, heartless, and impossible to please like her own mother had been. "Yes," she murmured, not sure if she was talking more to herself or to Deb. "I suppose you're right." She looked up to find Deb smiling at her and suddenly felt nervous again. "So where does that leave us now?"

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm beat," said Deb, flopping back down onto the bunk.

Arlene stared at the woman whose head was currently resting against her pillow. "So you're just going to sleep? In my bed? With me in it?"

Deb half sat up. "Well not if you don't want me to."

"No, no," Arlene assured. "It's fine. I mean, as long as you want to."

"I don't see why not," said Deb flopping back down. Arlene quickly looked around the room, as if making sure she wasn't on one of those hidden camera prank shows before tentatively and quite stiffly laying down next to her new girlfriend.

"Hey, relax, it's just me," Deb assured, running her fingers over the glowing outline of Arlene's arm.

"So we just go to sleep? Shouldn't we tell Dave and Arnold or something?" Arlene fidgeted.

"I think they'll be able to figure it out in the morning," said Deb. "Goodnight, Rimmer."

Arlene took in a deep breath and forced herself to relax into the comforting sensation of Deb at her side. "Goodnight, Listy."

**This may be the last chapter of this story or I may write one more if I find the time and motivation. I hope you've enjoyed the story, let me know what you think! :)**


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